More tributes

I've paid tribute to many wonderful people whose graciousness was instrumental in me being able to manage my first days here in Kingston, and still is a major source of support. I think it is time to pay tribute to more, whom I've met later and who kept my company and made me realize there are so many wonderful people who just do the best they can to make others happy and welcome.

Anne: I paid tribute to Anne before, and I'll do it again :) Because when I saw her the second time after she invited me to lunch, she welcomed me with such a warm hug and said "I missed you!" As I said before, Anne was the first friendly face who welcomed me when I first came to Canada, and there she was again, welcoming me back into her home and asking about how I was doing for those last couple of months. Anne, you're such an amazing host.

Wendy Powley: When Wendy asked for volunteers to work on the first Ontario celebration of women in computing, I thought this is my perfect chance to meet other people and interact with true Canadians. My only two Canadian acquaintances so far have been Anne and Mike my landlord. So when I met Wendy for the first time it was at the first meeting to prepare for the conference. She had such a warm disposition, yet she was mastering the meeting with such professionalism. She's an excellent example of a leader who pays attention to details. Over the many emails and meetings I exchanged with her, I've learned a lot about personal and proper interaction and writing style, and how the positive yet realistic feedback can make someone want to do their best without feeling pressured. Yet it was her very kind and supportive words for me that really added a big measure of hope to my shaken personal attitude. She wasn't judgmental, and she wasn't patronizing, she just understood what I said, and gently provided a much needed prospective on the situation, all the while letting me know how well I've done, which made me feel strong again and made me want to summon this "old" me who was more powerful and robust in the face of challenges. Thank you so much Wendy for this.

Samirah: Such a wonderful woman, you're just the life of any gathering. A doctor who's an example of how a woman can be both professional and beautiful at the same time. She has such passion for her work it makes me love mine all the more. Samirah welcomed me at her apartment when I was just beginning to explore new friendships, and she was so warm and welcoming, and instantly made me feel at ease. At a moment of revelation, I saw her as a human being, not as a friend, and the look on her eyes was, for me, priceless. I never thought someone can be all these beautiful things together; a hard worker, a sensible soul, a fun spirit, and a deep emotion, all in one. Thank you Samirah for being there.

Wisam: When I first saw Wisam, I thought to myself "How come someone can look so good and have all this kindness written on their face!" But not only was Wisam so kind and generous, she was the funniest girl I've ever met :) Such brightness and peace of heart, it made me despise all the evil thoughts that have ever come to my mind throughout my life. The fact that she's the mother of a really good young man and at the same time studying at Queen's made her an example of how a young woman can be a friend and a mother to her child. The fact that her kid takes pride in reading says it all. Exemplary parents for an exemplary child. God bless the three of them.

Mona: Mona in short is my hero; she's the mother of four lovely girls, and she just finished her Master degree. She' simply a hero; she takes such good care of her family, and wants every single one of them to be special, successful, and happy, all the while looking fantastic as if she was twenty or something! (Mona, you make me look old :D) Seriously, when I heard that she reads to her kids constantly and dedicates a day to each one of her daughters for a special one on one mother and daughter treatment, I was amazed! I've never seen a mother do this for her kids. She gives them all the assurance and support every unassuming child needs from their parents to grow up to believe that they're worthy of love and respect. Once we were at the park, and a little girl hurt her head, and I saw Mona come down to her level and with such a soft and warm and aching voice she comforted her, and I almost broke in tears!

Thank you all for being here, and for the unlimited support you've given me. It is a privilege for me to have met and known you all :)

A day with friends

This Monday was an exceptional day, because I had the chance to spend it with all three of my friends, although on separate intervals because these friends have little in common. In the morning, I met Amira for a private matter, and we had the chance to talk for about half an hour or so. Amira is the only one I can talk with about my ambitions and find a listening mind, because we shared those ambitions and still think about them. She's also one of the lucky few who had an equal share of happiness and sadness in their lives, not the monotonic satisfaction or depression, but true sadness and true happiness. I told her how I feel about the subject we were meeting to deal with, and I discovered that I lost faith in lots of good things in life. I preferred to find safety in avoidance than taking chances, because I took so many chances and they brought nothing but brief contentment and enduring pain. She's blissfully happy with her life, although she criticizes her performance in the practical field of her life, which was her ultimate ambition. But that shows you how some unexpected things can bring you ultimate happiness because they carry with them a beautiful sharing and companionship, even though we presume that our happiness is bound to our own mental image and plans.

In the afternoon I met Walaa, and I will admit that lately our meetings have grown more scarce, because of my unwillingness to come to Mansoura and the gloomy tone that took over our conversations. But this day she was on a moderate tone because she was bringing some excitement to her life again, and I told her what was new news for me, and we had a nice time talking about how stupid some people are. I was urging her to free herself of the restrictions her family imposed on her, not because I want her to be totally free, but because I find that placing such harsh restrictions on a woman who's beginning her thirties is ridiculous! She can't buy her own clothes for God's Sake! I seriously thought that was a major part of her unhappiness; the suffocating rules and norms she has to endure, and I told her so, but she has no rebellion in her guts. I pray that she has any sort of breakthrough in her life so that she can find the peace of mind she deserves.

I went home to find my friend Omneya calling me to tell me to come over, I was so tired and sleep-deprived, but I never wasted the chance to meet her because those were few chances due to her married life of domestic and social commitments. We spent the time playing with her two beautiful kids, and talking in between breaks. Sometimes our talks take a flat line because of her exhaustion and her kids' demands, but we always manage to talk about something deep. I can see a live example of marital and domestic life with all its pros and cons in front of me, and she manages to remind me that my situation isn't all that awful, and there are advantages to being free of social ties. I began to agree lately, because when I talked with mother once about something a man said to me in a marriage meeting "You seem to be a very strong woman!" She said: Why not? Men don't like strong women, and women should play it right and act the demure type men seem to prefer. I said: I will never act anything for a man, and I couldn't find a man who deserved toning down my strength. I don't want a man who's afraid of my strength, although I can call it more accurately "my passion about my convictions." I want a man who CAN conquer this strength with his confidence that it's a good thing. He then can depend on me if need call for it. She laughed at my stupidness, and I bet in her mind she said "You'll never find that!" But that conversation made me appreciate what my friend told me about my freedom and how it's precious now that I have it.

نقاشات غير مجدية

تدور بيني و بين صديقتي دوما نقاشات و مشاحنات بسبب انعدام الاثارة في حياتنا، أهاتفها فأسألها

في جديد؟

لأ

و لا قديم؟

لأ، و انتي؟

لأ و لأ

ثم تمضي بنا المحادثة في انتقاد وضعنا و سلبيتنا في التعامل معه، ففي حين تعمل هي في أجواء تكرهها و لا تجدها مشجعة على التألق أنتظر أنا قرار سفري لبعثة الدكتوراه بكل الملل الذي يبعثه الروتين الحكومي في النفس. و بالرغم من أنني أبرر لنفسي انتظاري و ارهاق أعصابي بالجري وراء الموظفين أملا في الاسراع بمجريات الأمور فأنا لا أبرر انتظارها هي لمعجزة تهز مجرى حياتها، و أبدأ في سرد كل الفرص الذهبية و الفضية و البرونزية التي تضيع منها بسبب تعلقها بالعمل في الجامعة، و هو وضع اجتماعي مهم بالمدينة التي تحيا بها حتى و ان كان مؤقتا و غير مجز ماديا و معنويا. الخلاصة أن الحديث يدور و يدور حول الأحلام التي يمكن أن نحققها اذا اتبعنا ما نريد فعله حقا، و الأشياء التي لو كانت لدينا لأمكننا أن نصبر على رتابة الحياة و الابتسامة على محيّانا، و كلما قلت لها أن هناك ظروفا أسوأ و أناسا يعانون محنا أصعب و أشد قسوة منا تصمت ثم تقول لي أنه لا بد من أن لديهم شيئا يسر قلوبهم و يسرّي عنهم، ثم حين تفشل هذه الحجة تقول أنني أقول هذا الكلام و هو خدعة كبيرة لأن الانسان لا يشعر حقا الا بآلام نفسه و صعوبة ظروفه، و هو منطق لا أستطيع رفضه تماما لأن الانسان فعلا مغرق في الأنانية و لا يهتم آخر الأمر الا بآلامه هو، و قد نتعاطف مع الآخرين الذين نعتقد أنهم أقل حظا منّا و لكننا ننسى سريعا و نعود لنغرق في مشكلاتنا التافهة أو العظيمة

و ينتهي الحديث بكلمتين عن الصبر و الأمل و أن الحال لا يمكن أن يدوم و أننا يجب أن نقدر النعم التي نحن فيها و الحظ الذي قُسِم لنا، و نختتم بتنهيدات تنم عن عدم ثقتنا بكل هذا الكلام و ضيقنا بأنفسنا. و لكني بعد كل حديث أجلس لأحدّث نفسي بما دار و كم أصبح الكلام متشابها، و كم أصبحت سلبية الأمل، و هو تعبير اخترعته للدلالة على انتظار الفرج دون فعل شيء للحصول عليه و دون رغبة حقيقية في التغيير. لقد كنت دوما فخورة برأي الآخرين في عملي رغم عدم اقتناعي به، و لكني لم أعد متأكدة من أن هذا العمل هو ما أريد حقا، و لا زلت خائفة من أن أقلب حياتي رأسا على عقب و أعمل في ما أحب حقا، و لست أدري ان كان هذا كسلا أم أني غير مستعدة بعد لتحمل نتائج قرارات مصيرية كهذه

و لكن مثل ما قالت هيفاء وهبي في مطلع احدى أغانيها: سنرى

The Plan

I talked in a previous blog entry about my uncle Mohamed and how he's a very intelligent and ambitious man. Actually, there are three aspects of his character that fascinate me: his intelligence, his achievements, and the way he's raising his kids. Over the years and after we returned permanently from Libya, I was pretty much occupied during our family gatherings with making myself "noticed." You see; we were always the "distant relatives" who spent their entire lives away from the family. My mother missed the major milestones in her family's history; my grandpa's death, the birth of all of my cousins, and the marriage of her two brothers. So I wanted very much to "fit in" as I always tried when we were in Libya (looks like I'll never fit in anyway in any place!!!)
Anyway, this "fitting in" practice faded throughout the years and was replaced with a keen desire to observe the mechanics of this family; how they talk, how they think, how they love and how they progress in life. I knew it was common knowledge that my uncle Mohamed was extremely smart; he spent his high school years in the "A class" which can be found in most schools in Egypt. He went to study in Cairo ever since and went to the Faculty of Engineering. There he became an electrical engineer, and moved on to work for some high profile companies such as Ezz and Elswedy. What's remarkable about his professional career is that he never settled for mediocre jobs; he had to be on top and advancing, so when things ultimately didn't fit his aims, he went on to build his own company.
The best part that I liked to observe and learn about was his relationship with his kids. I think that from the day they were born he had drawn in his mind a "plan" to raise his kids the right way. He wanted them to have respect of his authority and their mother's authority; the two never to conflict, so I guess they made a purposeful agreement on that plan. His kids must have faith in his opinions, choices, and orders, but at the same time he's encouraging them to build a creative mindset and express their opinions freely and with respect. They must respect his family members and have polite manners without being dull and wallflowers. The most beautiful thing was that he encouraged them to have hobbies; something most parents "kill" in their kids because hobbies take time that should be spent "studying."
He once told me that he used to search the Internet to find ways, games, and quizzes that would enhance his kids' creativity. I was really fascinated by this fact, and even did my own searching out of curiosity. What's beautiful about that is that he didn't take the easy way out; he works so hard to ensure that his company is successful and enough financial security is provided for his family. He could've said: "let their mother take care of all this miss, I already do my job securing their future." No, he doesn't say that, he plays with them, he watches TV with them, he keeps track of their activities, and he keeps "installing" his ideals in them. He once told me with a strange look in his eyes that he fears for his kids; he looks at them and wonders how their future would turn out to be. I wanted to assure him that two things provide him with a good guarantee: the first was that he was there - in every meaning of the word - for them, and the second was that he planted his values with such a smart way that they will follow him with no second thoughts.
You should look at his kids watching him when he talks about something; their eyes full of fascination, adoration and awe at their father, their love and worshiping very obvious to the naked eye, and their "ultimate trust" in him evident in their words. That doesn't stop them from asking questions and raising logical paradoxes that grow in complexity as they grow in age. I like to watch that and how he handles it; with wisdom and admiration of his own at his kids' brilliancy. The beautiful thing is they're not "empty" replicas of him or even of each other; every one has his own distinctive character and their father deals with each one according to that character.
In my previous entry, I talked about my uncle's opinion of his mother and how he saw her as an exemplary mother who missed some things that he needed. That was what he needed I guess; a plan with a target to reach, which is a way to raise your child in mind, soul, and ideals as much as in body and emotions. He devised and understood the plan and had the perseverance to follow it through, I think that he'll enjoy the fruits of his work; much as my grandma enjoys the fruits of hers. I would like to sit with him one day and ask him how he found ways to make his plan work so good.

A Tribute to Sa3deyya Saqr

Over the years, I didn't see the point to my life, I mean I don't know why I do certain things and act in certain ways and make certain choices. I "stumbled" upon my hobbies out of chance, I went to a certain faculty just to spite my dad (may Allah bless his soul), and at this phase of my life I can't figure out what is it that drives me, actually it's absolutely nothing; I do my job because I'm supposed to, I gain social and professional skills because they'll help my job and my relationships with people, not to reach an "ultimate" goal.
How is this related to Sa3deyya Saqr? Well, first I have to introduce her; she's my maternal grandma; she's in her seventies, and she has the most fascinating character I've ever seen! She's an old fashioned woman who believes a woman's "ultimate" goal is to give this world healthy, well-mannered, and successful children. She did just that! She had six children in what we call a "middle-class" family. Life was never easy; on the contrary, some days were very hard financially and socially. She had a rough marriage, but she kept it well preserved. She could not afford to provide her kids with life material luxuries, but she compensated that with a simple loving heart. She was a very neat woman; keeping her house clean and her food sinfully delicious, and she didn't do it in loneliness, she used to gather her children around her in the kitchen and make stuff, and she gave every one of her daughters a hand craft to master so that they can always have something to do. She kept her house in pristine state; you can not find anything out of order, even made a fashionable "dressing" to the old fashioned oven "gas tube" so that you don't have to see its ugliness. She used to make her kids' clothing on the sewing machine. Up til now, she can still reflect "beauty" on anything that "looks" wrong or out of place.
You'd think that I'd say she's a highly cultured woman with sophisticated political and social views! Well, none of that, I once found one of her school books, and what did it contain? brilliant methods to do house work; dress-making, tips, recipes,...etc. I marvelled not only on the fact that she actually "studied" that but also that she kept it for all these years (we're talking about things from the forties and fifties here.) and she always has a solution to any problem within that area; a small problem like aligning winter blankets? she made buttons on one and holes o the other and Voila!! you link the two together and no aligning problem!
Once I had a discussion with my uncle Mohamed; whom I'd like very much to have a blog entry about because he's a very interesting character, but the conversation was about our "mothers"; his mother and his sister. He asked me: "was your mother a good mother?" and he has specific standards to the "yes" answer, I said "No" and we had a mutual understanding that we both meant the same set of standards. I asked then: "Did you?" and he said (and I hope to quote it right): "She was a good mother in the sense that she took good care of her children's physical needs; she provided good food, good clothing as her tight budget allowed, and good shelter. She provided a sanctuary for us. But she was not culturally motivating or highly sophisticated." Maybe the latter meaning was implied in his answer and not stated explicitly, but I understand what he meant; he meant that as an "intillegent" man, he needed more of his parents than that, and I think that "more" should've come from his father except for the fact that they were at odds. Of course by me answering "No" to his question I meant that my mother didn't even provide those basic needs; it was out of her hand to some degree; but a mother is never forgiven for her mishaps! My uncle has a theory that I concluded through observation; which is "Everything you say, do, or make your child do, must be for a higher purpose to be achieved and value to be gained and ingrained in him." Well, my grandma may not be that sophisticated, but she had a wonderful thing to give her kids that sophistication can't provide: a gathering that can be happy in spite of the individuals' problems. The siblings gather in the kitchen with her and remember with a laugh, a sigh, and a joke, how they did in the old days. The kitchen is the sanctuary where all problems fade aways and only the old smells and voices remain in the atmosphere.
This about sums up why I opened my entry the way I did; I want to have that deep and wonderful effect in some people who will carry that effect through the ages. I know that if I'm destined to have kids one day I'll tell them the story of this great and wonderful woman who single-handedly raised six children and made them very successful in their current positions in life, and tried as hard as she could to make their harsh life easier with her warmness. Her presence still provides power to their annual gatherings, even as she grows more and more silent over the years. She enjoys watching them around her, competing to make her life comfortable and enjoyable. Maybe you can't discuss political or cultural matters with her, but you'll sure get a helpful and beautiful hint to make life better and easier and more "beautiful."