If only she could...

She wanted to expel him today from her morning coffee...

She wanted to drink her coffee without a face...

Maybe the taste won't be that bittersweet...

Maybe the newspaper won't be the undefined blur of a distant beautiful morning...

When that face brought the smile that hurt, but still tasted full of sunshine and breeze...

She wanted to miss the ache that wrenched her heart, but all the same made it flutter in waves of a beautiful love song...

She wanted to drink her morning coffee without the taste of him in her heart...

She wanted to not know the feeling of being alive...

She just wanted to drink a bland coffee, a bland life...

If only she could...

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Her hands hugged the keypad and the pencil...

Hoping that maybe her heart would come out running...

Hoping that the pain can go away with her strokes...

But her hands kept hovering, and the pencil kept drawing a face with no eyes...

Her heart was so afraid that the feelings won't come out right...

Her heart was afraid that the sacred fire would be distinguished...

Her heart feared that a cheap match would take a glimpse of her tears...

But still, her hands kept holding the pencil, and the keypad...

Maybe the pain would go away and hide between the folds of her diary...

Until she calls it again, many years after, in hopes that it would seize to be...

But her hands just hovered in the air...

If only she could...

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A tremble went down her heart...

That image didn't want to go away...

Those voices didn't want to dissipate...

The smallest things haunted her...

She was so solemn today, trying to chase away the dreams and the memories...

But every corner reminded her...

Every character on her TV reminded her...

Every name said and called reminded her...

Small labels of shining silver on her disk reminded her...

Written promises and sent wishes reminded her...

It was as if the story was written inside her eyes, so that whenever she looks she sees...

It was as if the story was engraved in her ears so that whenever she listens, she hears...

No, it wasn't just her heart that assailed her...

Every part of her held her sacred memories...

She shuts her eyes, holds her hands to her ears, squeezes her arms around her thoughts...

But then her heart keeps screaming: Let me breath...

For these memories are the blood that keeps me alive...

So she surrenders, puts her hands down, puts her arms down...

But she also puts her hopes down, and lets her tears down...

She lets her heart feed on her pain, so it breaks, but repairs itself again...

Because it wants to live for the memories over and over again...

If only she could...