صور الحائط

لقد آلت على نفسها ألا تهزّها الرياح مهما قست

و تعهدت لنفسها أن تتلمّس السّكينة في التصبّر و التوطين

و أقسمت ألّا يتمكّن منها النسيان و إن تمكّنت منها الوحشة

و لكنها ظلت تحتفظ بركن أثقله الظل

و اختلطت فيه خيالات، أحلام يقظة، ذكريات، صور مهتزّة

هناك في تلك الزاوية المتهالكة تصطفّ الصور

في لوحة حائط مهووسة

تقف هي هناك كل ليلة

تتأمل في الصّمت المحترق سنوات في لقطات عن لحظات في سنوات

تسأل نفس السؤال، و تكتب الإجابات واحدة تلو الأخرى في المسودّة التي تجيب فيها عند كل إمتحان

تشطب و تكتب، و تحاول أن تتبين أيّ خطوط كانت من آثار سابقة

أيّها لا يصلح لهذا الإمتحان، أيّها كان خطأ و أيّها كان ضرورة

ثم لوهلة تنسى السؤال، و تتأمل في الصور

صور ذهبية، صور ترابية، صور سوداء و صور بالألوان

صور تتحرك معها و صور تتحدث لها

و صور تحركها، و صور تحدثها

صور يمتزج فيها الوفاء بالغباء

و صور تتوحش حتّى يغلبها السلام

يحضرها أن تبحث عن سر القدماء

لتحوّل ترابها إلى ذهب

فلابدّ أنّ هذا ممكن، طالما كان من الممكن أن يتحوّل ذهبها إلى هباء

و لكنّ السحر لم يفلح في أن يحيل التراب ذهباً

و الفيلم السلبيّ محترق بالكامل

و لم يتبق فيه إلا فراغات ضئيلة

تمعن النظر من جديد في الصور المعلقة

يتآكلها الحنين على ماض ضنين

يخيّل لها أن اللحظة حانت و أن الحائط يتكلم ليلبّي وعد الأمس السرّي

لكن اللحظة لا تأتي، و الحائط يتحدّاها أن تنطحه بيديها

بتضرّعها، بتحدّيها أنّ العالم يمكن أن يسير طوع بنان أمانيها

و هي تعرف، أنّ السؤال مفتوح لكل الإحتمالات

وأنّ تمزيق الصور لن يمحو آثار الذكريات

وأنّها ليست ذات القرنين لتهزّ العالم و تبني جسراً و تقهر أسواراً و حوائط

عليها في الوقت الرّاهن أن تتجلّد

تتلمّس السكينة حتّى في ظلال الوحشة

و تجيب السؤال بالتصبّر و التلهّي

و تبحث في المسودّة عن تلك القوّة السحرية

التي تصدّت بها للزّمان، منذ ذلك الزّمان

خيال من العبق العربي

من حين لآخر يمر بخاطري العبق العربي، تلك الصورة الحسّية المغلفة بضباب من البخور و صدى أصوات قانون و عود و طبل. أتخيّل أن مارد مصباح علاء الدّين يستجيب لرغبات لا تبوح بها النفس، فيرسل في الآفاق داعياً سلاطين الخيال و طنافس من خيوط الذهب، لأجلس عليها و كأنني زرياب في ثوب إمرأة. هل أغني في خيالاتي تلك؟ أم أعزف و أرقص؟ قد يبدو خليط من كل هذا مثالياً، و الحق أن هذه الصورة ما باتت تداعب أفكاري و ترعبني، لأني ما كنت يوماً أحلم بأن ارتدي ثوب الجارية الحصيفة، و لكن الصورة باتت تجذبني لأبعاد عميقة؛ أن أمزج الخيال بلمسة مني أنا. أمن الممكن أن أجلس على طنفس ذهبي، تعبث بأفكاري دقّات القانون السحرية، و أتمثل نفسي في ثوب من الشفق الأحمر، لأتحدّث في العلم و أنا سارحةٌ في ضباب الماضي العابق بسحر ألف ليلة وليلة؟ هل أكون المفكّرة و المناقشة و الباحثة عن إجابات لكوامن النفس و أسرار الكون؟ هل أتحدث بالمنطق و الفلسفة عن الموت و الحياة و الغيب و البشر؟ هل أتلو أشعار الفرسان و أقتبس من أقوال الحكماء و الحمقى سواء لأذكّر نفسي بأشياء أدركتها في الماضي ولكنها فقدت مغزاها مع ضوء الشمس و قسوة النهار؟

إن اللّيل لساحر كذّاب! و لقد خبرت من ألاعيبه ما جعلني لا أئتمنه على عقلي، و إنّي لفي حلٍّ من أن أسلم نفسي لذلك الضباب الذي يخدّر الأعصاب و يمنح الحرية من الإلتزام بقواعد العقل المكبّل، لأنّي لا أضمن أن تحلو لي تلك الخيالات فأهرب في المصباح إلى وهم خافت الأنوار يهمس بأصداء الماضي. وعلى الرغم من أنّي كنت دوماً أكره الصباح و نور الصباح و ضوضاء الصباح الملأى بالعرق و أصوات الرّحا، إلا أن الصباح بات مرفأ الأمان من تلك القوّة السحرية الكاسحة التي يمتلكها المصباح.

كلّا، إن ذلك السحر لذو سلطان! و إن أصوات الملوك الغابرين و الأمراء الرّافلين في حلل لامعة لتناديني، فلأرتدي ثوباً من الوهم الجميل العابق ببخور المسك، و لأذهب إلى هناك مرةً أخرى، و لأشحذ ذهني بكل أسلحة المنطق والجدل، و لأشحذ روحي بكل التوق إلى السموّ. نعم، في ظل هذا الجو يكمن سموّ كما تكمن موسيقى، فبين الجدل و الحصافة و الفطنة تكمن لحظات التجلّي التي تدرك فيها النفس كنه النفس، و تتحدث الروح إلى الروح، و تفضي الأسرار بأسرارها، و تقنع الحكمة المنطق، و تستسلم الفلسفة للفطرة، و ينكشف الرّياء ليفسح مكاناً للصّدق الذي لا يحكم و لا يرجم. عندها قد أصل إلى كنهي و جدواي.

More tributes

I've paid tribute to many wonderful people whose graciousness was instrumental in me being able to manage my first days here in Kingston, and still is a major source of support. I think it is time to pay tribute to more, whom I've met later and who kept my company and made me realize there are so many wonderful people who just do the best they can to make others happy and welcome.

Anne: I paid tribute to Anne before, and I'll do it again :) Because when I saw her the second time after she invited me to lunch, she welcomed me with such a warm hug and said "I missed you!" As I said before, Anne was the first friendly face who welcomed me when I first came to Canada, and there she was again, welcoming me back into her home and asking about how I was doing for those last couple of months. Anne, you're such an amazing host.

Wendy Powley: When Wendy asked for volunteers to work on the first Ontario celebration of women in computing, I thought this is my perfect chance to meet other people and interact with true Canadians. My only two Canadian acquaintances so far have been Anne and Mike my landlord. So when I met Wendy for the first time it was at the first meeting to prepare for the conference. She had such a warm disposition, yet she was mastering the meeting with such professionalism. She's an excellent example of a leader who pays attention to details. Over the many emails and meetings I exchanged with her, I've learned a lot about personal and proper interaction and writing style, and how the positive yet realistic feedback can make someone want to do their best without feeling pressured. Yet it was her very kind and supportive words for me that really added a big measure of hope to my shaken personal attitude. She wasn't judgmental, and she wasn't patronizing, she just understood what I said, and gently provided a much needed prospective on the situation, all the while letting me know how well I've done, which made me feel strong again and made me want to summon this "old" me who was more powerful and robust in the face of challenges. Thank you so much Wendy for this.

Samirah: Such a wonderful woman, you're just the life of any gathering. A doctor who's an example of how a woman can be both professional and beautiful at the same time. She has such passion for her work it makes me love mine all the more. Samirah welcomed me at her apartment when I was just beginning to explore new friendships, and she was so warm and welcoming, and instantly made me feel at ease. At a moment of revelation, I saw her as a human being, not as a friend, and the look on her eyes was, for me, priceless. I never thought someone can be all these beautiful things together; a hard worker, a sensible soul, a fun spirit, and a deep emotion, all in one. Thank you Samirah for being there.

Wisam: When I first saw Wisam, I thought to myself "How come someone can look so good and have all this kindness written on their face!" But not only was Wisam so kind and generous, she was the funniest girl I've ever met :) Such brightness and peace of heart, it made me despise all the evil thoughts that have ever come to my mind throughout my life. The fact that she's the mother of a really good young man and at the same time studying at Queen's made her an example of how a young woman can be a friend and a mother to her child. The fact that her kid takes pride in reading says it all. Exemplary parents for an exemplary child. God bless the three of them.

Mona: Mona in short is my hero; she's the mother of four lovely girls, and she just finished her Master degree. She' simply a hero; she takes such good care of her family, and wants every single one of them to be special, successful, and happy, all the while looking fantastic as if she was twenty or something! (Mona, you make me look old :D) Seriously, when I heard that she reads to her kids constantly and dedicates a day to each one of her daughters for a special one on one mother and daughter treatment, I was amazed! I've never seen a mother do this for her kids. She gives them all the assurance and support every unassuming child needs from their parents to grow up to believe that they're worthy of love and respect. Once we were at the park, and a little girl hurt her head, and I saw Mona come down to her level and with such a soft and warm and aching voice she comforted her, and I almost broke in tears!

Thank you all for being here, and for the unlimited support you've given me. It is a privilege for me to have met and known you all :)

Analyzing it all...(It's a pessimist's view!)

So the time has come...
It was a forced effort to start this entry, mainly because I couldn't contemplate the prospect of staying with my eyes wide open staring at the ceiling. I thought to myself "You've been procrastinating for so long! You promised to blog about the experience of being in Canada! It's been almost five months for God's sake!" But the moment never seamed right, and the itching sensation never came. It's only my fear of my wandering mind that drove me to the keyboard, and I don't like that, but that's the way it is.
So, what should I say? I've paid my respects to many people who were absolutely wonderful, and more people came along who deserve to be mentioned, and for them I'll dedicate a separate entry. But the point here is to sum up the experience, then dissect it into little pieces that relate to different themes, and the words that could sum up the experience are wonder, loneliness, pain, distraction, and focus.
They say that you can find seven benefits in travel, and I'll try to count what I think was beneficial for me, because these would constitute the wonderful things that I could find here. I've met new friends, wonderful friends. I've learned that I can count on myself in many things and can survive on my own if need calls. I've learned to talk a foreign language without trying to pass my thoughts through a "mental translator." I've seen new places, and wonderful places. I've learned how much I'm missed by my family and friends. I've gained very valuable academic exposure to the latest in my field of study, and hope to be even more exposed to more valuable knowledge if time allows me to. But the most important thing I've learned is how disillusioned I found myself to be; I'm not wide-eyed with awe of a new country and a new culture, the American movies made an excellent job making almost every aspect of north-American life well-understood. I don't see the society here as a Utopia; I see it as a country with its pros and cons. My home country also has its pros and cons, although many people would disagree and even be appalled at the mere idea of saying that the two countries are comparable :D Well, I'm not saying they are, but I still love my country and want to go back and try to do good.
The first night I stayed here I was hit with a sense of abstraction that I cannot really describe, it's as if I was hovering in the air with an empty gut; a sick feeling I get sometimes when I wake up in the morning and see the ten o'clock sun, and I'm not a morning person, so I hate the ten o'clock sun of a working day! I don't know how to describe this feeling, but it was as if I wasn't there, and someone else has taken this giant leap. Was I really in a time zone different than me 24 hours ago? Have I moved back in time and just added a couple of hours to my time on this earth?! I couldn't tell, but the creeks of wood were making me feel warm yet getting on my nerves! I kept looking outside and saying "What have you done you stupid $%##&! What exactly do you hope to do here? Work? Run away? Take a time off?" The answers to all three exclamations is still to be fully determined, but they're still looming over my head waiting for their fulfillment.
The next day to my arrival was a Sunday, so I couldn't go to the school and meet anyone. I took a small map, and took off, wandering in the streets of the city expecting to see a downtown bustling with people and action, but it was a quiet and easy-going downtown. After three hours of walking all over the place, I was hit with a lonely feeling that I've never experienced before. It wasn't a nice thing, and it made me wonder, how can a person be lonely all his or her life? Without anyone to lean on or seek comfort from?! It was a depressing thought in a depressing day, and it took all the possible joys my mind tried to conjure!
When my supervisor saluted me in Arabic the next day, I was ecstatic, and a sense of safety calmed me and made me feel that I'll be ok, that I can still be strong and get something out of the grayness that seamed to color my coming here. I considered work my sanctuary, and thought to myself "There's the one thing you have to do, and you have to do right. Run away all you want, take a time off as much as you want, but the bottom line is your work, so do it right!"
Then came the pain, as I sobered up and began to realize that I'm not "there" while not completely feeling that I'm "here." I walk down the streets and see that I'm in a completely different place, and yet it doesn't set in! It doesn't relate to the fact that almost all the lab members are Arabs, it's something different, as if I'm in a surreal dream or something! Although I saw the snow for the first time, I still couldn't grasp the fact that I'm here. I felt I was going crazy! I thought I'd be in awe of the place, it's a new place with this historic aura that I love, but my mind still couldn't make the connection. I was struggling within myself to find any possible joy, but the only joy I could find was while hanging out with the people I've met, and I lost the drive to explore and see the beauty in my surroundings. It was really a bad sign that my days and nights are turning into hell, and they did! I felt no desire to go and do things, and it was painful to even breath! Then I began to analyze this, and it came down to two simple facts; you can't enjoy a paradise alone, let alone a nice town, and you can't truly enjoy a paradise without a soul mate, may that be a true friend or a true love. Some people can do things by themselves and be content, I don't find this ability in me anymore. I thought I could pass as a loner, a free spirit, but every time I found myself alone with my thoughts I felt that they were coming out of my head, materializing into a creepy monster that wants to swallow me! It was so potent a feeling that I'd jump up and run!
Sometimes I blamed myself for not being able to find the good sides of my stay here, but hard as I tried to put myself in a positive mindset, it worked for a short time and then I'd go back to square one (or more befitting, square zero!) So I kept myself busy as much as I could, with friends, at the lab, in the streets, whatever was available. I thought it was pitiful of me to be this dependent on external parameters to distract me instead of resurrecting my internal power; the power I always prided myself on being able to bring to life at the time of crisis, and this was a crisis indeed; because I became obsessed with trying to figure out what's wrong (besides the personal issues that I had to deal with!) Why am I not doing things right? No work is done, no joy is felt, no fun is planned, even when I began playing the piano, it didn't make me jump up and down, because I kept thinking about how daunting it is to learn everything in a short time.
The closer I got to becoming crazy, the more I cried, the more I became anxious, the more I performed poorly, the more depressed I felt, the more I annoyed people around me with my pathetic depressing mood swings! I prayed to God that it stops, that he gives me the power to cut through this vicious circle that's completely unjustified in my opinion. The solution was to regain the focus: "What is it exactly that you want to do?" It came down to one basic point: you have to do your work the right way. Friends, fun, and piano are the helping environment, not the goal. They're the wonderful parameters that keep you somewhat sane and functioning, but they shouldn't be the point. I've been obsessed with analyzing people and dynamics around me, and with thinking about leisure as if this was a trip or something, and with being a new Mozart. These things are great, but they're not why I came here. I came here to do a specific job, and go back to people that I shouldn't forget, and an ambition that I shouldn't give up, and a life of loneliness that I should really start to adapt myself to.
Admittedly, the focus stage is still jumping back and forth at the back of my mind, but I'm hoping that it'll come around once these extreme feelings of everything around start to wane. Hopefully soon, I'll begin to deploy this focus stage with full force, because God know I need to wake up and realize I'm not in a dream!
I hope the upcoming entries will be promising and not as gloomy!

Many thanks...

Before I embark on the lengthy process of detailing my time in Canada so far, I just wanted to thank so many people for so many things; all contributing to keeping me sane and well these past two months:

Thank you professor Hossam, for your warm welcome the moment I stepped into your office, it made me feel home again, it made me feel safe. Thank you one more time for welcoming me to the group on the first group meeting after I arrived and in the term's final luncheon. I felt among friends.

Thank you Anne, the lady who welcomed me at my first night in Kingston. It was after midnight and I was scared that I'd spend the night in the airport, but you stayed up late and provided me with a warm welcome, a warm room, and a safe place to spend the ten most critical days of my stay until I found my foot.

Thank you Ed, for being the first member of the lab to come and strike a conversation with me, just to welcome me over, and for taking a part of your time whenever I come to your lab to talk to me and ask how I'm doing. You're a very good man.

Thank you Gehan, for coming all the way to the laboratory and welcoming me, then getting me a warm meal when all I had since I came here was crackers :)) and for asking about me all the time, and for being such a funny and friendly girl :)

Thank you Mahmoud Ouda, for being such a stand up guy, together with Hatem, you took me on my first tour in the bus and supermarket, you provided me with invaluable information that saved me a lot of embarrassment and confusion; the things I hate the most in life. You came to the lab wanting to do anything, like a dear dear brother indeed.

Thank you Hatem, for being such a good guy to talk to, about life and science alike, and for inviting me over to your lab for a very delicious meal with Ouda at my first week, and for teaching me the word ibid :))

Thank you Layan, for being an instrumental party in finding me my current residence, for this I cannot even thank you enough, and thank you for keeping my company and introducing me to your great friends who welcomed me with such good grace and openness, and for your rounds with me to buy stuff when you had to work on your own tasks.

Thank you Khalid, for being such a rock to lean on during the hard days of settling in the lab and moving my stuff to my new residence, and for coming back and forth so many times to bring all kinds of things, and for cutting me a great deal on such great stuff :))

Thank you Dina, for being so nice to me and offering me to talk to my family from your own phone, and for being such a smiling face and asking how I was doing even in your hectic term finale, and for being the first one to see me cry and pat on my back saying it would be ok.

Thank you Ashraf, for being so nice to me, and for keeping my company during the luncheon in a setting that would have been overwhelming otherwise, and for giving me hope that together with Wesam, you set an example of an aware family who want to plan for their child intellectually as much as physically.

Thank you Sherief, for being a descent and funny and dependable guy, your emails were really assuring and gave me confidence that I could do it, and your oh-so-Egyptian sense of humor was so refreshing, and your continuing advice regarding my work and my attitude are indispensable.

Thank you Dr. Abd ElHamid, for being the first one who talked to me about my fears of under performance, and for telling me to take it easy and just do my best with ease, and for being such a talented artist and scientist because this is something I aspire to be, and for being so friendly in a serene way because this makes me feel comfortable and confident that things will eventually be ok.

Thank you Ahmed Hasswa, for responding promptly to my emails, and for your nice and friendly correspondences.

Last but not least, thank you my dearest friend Omneya, for keeping my company with your lovely voice and your lovely kids almost every night since I got my Internet connection at home, although you may be tired of all this, you were so great just by being there.

هل من هلاليّ للزمردة الحزينة؟

هل من هلاليٍّ للزمرّدة المُحبة؟
يشتريها، يبيعها، لكنّه يحفظها بقلبه
يجول في دنياه يحارب الأعداء و الأعباء
و يشقّ دربه
يحمل الزمرّدة الحبيبة فوق الحصان
و يعبر فوق الأحزان
يحتضن الحلم المبحر دون شراع
يمسك سيفا في يد، و في الأخرى مهداً
لطفل يحبّه حتى النخاع
يناجي في الليل أحلامها
و يراسل من وراء الحُجُبِ أفكارها
هل من هلاليّ يستند إلى يديها؟
و يفضي بهموم حروبه إليها
و يتذبذب صوته عندما يحكي
بين الحماس الملتهب، و الحنين المتعب، و التحدّي المتصلّب
هل من هلاليّ تترقرق الأحاسيس النبيلة من عينيه؟
تتألّق العزيمة في ساعديه
يحرّكه القلق المستميت الذي يمشي في عقله سعياً
بين جبل الحلم يريد أن يصعد إليه
و حائط الواجب المقدّس الذي تأتمنه الظروف عليه
هل من هلاليّ للزمردة الحزينة؟
تحمل معه همومه المجنونة
و تبتسم عبرها ابتسامة الطمأنينة
كي تبعث في نفسه المهتاجة بعضاً من سكينة
لترتاح صراعاته في أحضان الأمومة حيناً
و يلتمع عشقه الناريّ في عينيها حينا
هل من هلاليّ للزمردة الحزينة؟

شكراً لرجلٍ نبيل

شكراً لرجل نبيل
علمني أن الحياة ليس بها مستحيل
علمني أن أرفع صوتي و لا أدفن رأسي بين الأحجار
شكراً للرجل النبيل
أن أعطاني مثلا أعلى
لأعرف ماهية الرجولة
و أقيس على أفعاله معايير البطولة
صبرٌ و جلدٌ في الملمّات
و هامة ترتفع فوق الصعوبات
و وجه مع كل هذا يستطيع الابتسام
لطفلة شقية جميلة
و قلب يهتز طرباً و حباً و عطفاً على إخوةٍ طيبين
شكراً لهذا الرجل النبيل
فرغم الصعاب و رغم الطريق الصعب الطويل
لا يزال يستطيع أن يجد قوةً في الاعتذار
و أن يمسح بيديه دموعاً، و يحمل بين جنبيه هموماً
و يتحمس للدنيا، و يصرخ أن الهزيمة وهم بعيد
شكراً للرجل النبيل
لأنه ذكرني بأن الله كبير، رحيم، عظيم
عند الظلام ينير الدروب
و عند الحزن يؤنس القلوب
و عند الوحشة يرسل رسائل من نوره عبر الأثير
شكراً للرجل النبيل

هل تتذكرين؟

هناك
تحت المطر
هل ترين؟
هل تتذكرين؟
حائطاً استندت إليه أوهامك المراهقة
بخاراً من كوب شاي احتضنته
يرسم في الهواء خيالاتٍ و أطيافاً
هل تتذكرين؟
كيف كنت تتكلمين مع الأطياف الرمادية الساخنة
تهوّنين عليها قسوة الأمطار
ثم تضحكين للأمطار ساخرة من الأطياف
و ترسلين للهواء إيماءات
و ترسمين للّقاء سيناريوهات
هل تذكرين؟
كيف كنت تلمحين طاولة الدروس من بعيد
فتتظاهرين بأنها طاولة اجتماعاتك المهمّة
و تومئين للذين ينتظرون بالداخل أنك بعد قليل ستأتين
و لكنّك سرعان ما تفيقين
على صوت المعلّمة يذكّرك منذ أول الصباح
بأن ترسمي خريطة للوطن و تلوّنيها
و أن تحفظي ثرواته و توزّعيها
و لكن ليس هذا وطنك لترسميه و تحفظيه
فوطنك المفترض في شهادة ميلادك
طلبت منك المعلّمة أن تسبّيه
و عندما تتذكرين
ترسلين لأطياف كوب الشاي نفخة باردة
و تنهزمين أمام ضوء غرفتك البعيد
و تتساءلين
بماذا ألوّن وطناً ليس وطني؟
و ماذا أقول للخيالات التي تنتظرني بالغرفة لأؤجل الاجتماع؟
و تتمنّين
ألا تطلب منك المعلمّة البحث في قاموس الشتائم من جديد
من أجل الوطن الذي لا تعرفين
و لكنّك إليه تنتمين

حلم

فجأة تذكّرت
كيف ربّت الحلم على كتفيها
و ابتسم
تذكّرت كيف نشر الحلم شراعاً
ليأخذها في رحلة مجنونة مليئة بأقواس قزح
و كيف احتضنت النسيم المنعش البارد الحزين
الذي كان يداعب روحها التي كادت تختنق من ضوء النهار
تذكّرت كيف زارها الحلم مرّات و مرّات
و كيف احتوته في أصعب اللحظات
و كيف كان يكافئها كل مرة بلمسات ريشة ملوّنة بالفرح
و أحياناً بالألم
و كيف كان الحلم يمر في لحظات، و كيف كانت كل لحظة عمراً كاملاً
و لقد حارت في تفسير الحلم
فهل أقواس قزح هي الأمل البعيد سيقترب؟
أم هي مجرّد خطوط مموّهة ملوّنة خلو من المعاني؟
كانت الكلمات في الحلم هي السر المقدّس
لقد تذكّرت حتى ألوان الكلمات
موسيقى النبرات في الحماس، و في النشوة
و دهشة الحلم من أن عقلها يعمل و هو نائم
و خشوع الحلم عندما سجدت تقبّل الأرض في تبتّل
و لهفة الحلم حينما امتدّت يداها بدعاء خافت مرتجف
بألا ينتهي بإشراق الصباح
و لكن أبت الشمس إلا أن تقتحم الخلوة المقدّسة
و تهتك الستار الأحمر المخملي العابق برائحة الماضي
ليبدّد الشروق قوس قزح
و لطالما كانت تتشاءم من ضوء الشمس
لأنه في وعيها يحمل معه الضجيج و الصراع و العرق
لأنه الحقيقة التي لا تعترف بالأحلام
لأن ضوء الشمس يجعلها وحيدة
و يجبرها على أن تدخل في الصراع
و تسخر و تطمح و تقتحم

كسور روح متعبة

تمشي فيشير الناس إليها في تعجّب
لماذا و كيف تسير و ذلك الشيء مغروز في قلبها؟
ينظرون إلى عينيها باحثين عن أمارات حياة تنبض
فيجدون أحياناً الفراغ المتبلّد
و أحياناً تنظر إليهم و تفاجأهم بضحكة مغتصبة
تختبئ وراءها غصّة مستوطنة تطبق على أنفاسها
فتعضّ عليها بالتجلّد
تفتح عينيها على مصراعيها حتى لا تجد الدموع مهداً فتتجسّد
لتتحول إلى كيانٍ متهاوٍ
تخاطبهم عيناها بأنها لا تزال قادرة على أن ترفع رأسها
و لكنها وحدها تعرف
أن رأسها مرفوعة فقط حتى لا تتساقط كسور روحها على الأرض
تمشي و تمشي و تصطكّ ركبتاها وهَناً
كم يبدو التهاوي راحة جميلة مستحيلة
تمعن في الغباء فتضرب على يديها إن امتدّتا تسحبان ذلك الشيء المغروز فيها
لأنها لا تحب منظر الدماء
و تستعذب الألم الممضّ و الخيالات البائسة المريضة
و النظرات المشفقة الساخرة
و لكنها استنفذت كل الخيالات و الآلام
و أتعبتها ململات الشفقة التي بدأت تسأم و لا ترحم
ستحاول أن تنفرد بعقلها المكدود الليلة
لتحاول أن ترسل الألم إلى نوم عميق
و تطرد الخيالات إلى بلد بعيد
و ترسم الصورة الوردية الحمقاء
كما قالت أم كلثوم مرّة
أنها ستعيش في المستقبل الآن بأشواق اللقاء