Status Update

I've imported all of the blog entries that revolve specifically around faculty life and my work to a new separate blog:

http://egyptiantaramblings.wordpress.com/

So, anyone who's reading this blog and doesn't want to waste time on reading my personal bla bla bla can go directly to the other blog for work-related bla bla bla :D

Explaining Scholarships: Part 2

In this second part, I'll explain the other two categories of scholarships that researchers can pursue. As a reminder, I'll list the four categories again:

1. Egyptian-funded scholarships; or what we call "be3that" or in English "missions". These missions generally involve specific research areas.
2. Governmental scholarships funded by foreign countries; they're typically a part of the cultural and academic collaboration between Egypt and other countries. They are called "mena7" or in English "Scholarships". Like missions, these scholarships involve specific research areas.
3. Scholarships offered by foreign entities to promote higher education in developing countries. These scholarships don't necessarily involve specific research areas.
4. Scholarships offered by academic institutions abroad and announced by a specific research center, academic department, or school, and always are offered for a specific subject area.

3- Scholarships Offered by Foreign Entities to Promote Higher Education in Developing Countries

This kind of scholarships is offered by organizations that are willing to pay tuition fees for researchers so they can study in the countries of these organizations. The most important condition (besides applying and qualifying to be accepted) is that these researchers have to go back to their mother countries to serve there. Some of these organizations may send announcements to specific departments in universities, but mostly you have to work on you own to find these types of scholarships. Sometimes the scholarships are themed; for example promoting women in science or minorities or things of the sort. So it's very important that once you find such a scholarship that you identify if it's "themed."

What to do: Here you have to do some work besides the routine checking of the department's secretary. You need to develop a plan of extensive and thorough online search for such scholarships. You can use any of the following search terms:

• Computer science PhD scholarship
• Computer science PhD studentship
• PhD scholarship + "Your general area of research; for example artificial intelligence"

Or any variation on these terms. Three Points to make here:

• A studentship is similar to a scholarship but involves summer work on a research project. The financial amount paid to the recipient is normally tax-free, but the recipient is required to fulfill work requirements. Types of studentships vary among universities and countries. In the UK, studentships are rarely given out due to limited funding. In North American universities, studentships are more commonly known as teaching and research assistantships. Studentships are almost exclusively awarded to research students, preferably at the PhD. level.
• You have to focus on the deadlines; announcements for old scholarships are sometimes found and extremely frustrating, so you may want to add the year you want to your search, preferably an academic year ahead (If we're in 2008 then you want to find scholarships whose deadline is either by the end of 2008 or the beginning of 2009)
• You HAVE TO prepare the language level required by the announcing organization or the institutions in that country. This may not be mandatory, but it sure enhances your opportunities in being elected for the scholarship. Did I forget to tell you these kinds of scholarships are also competitive? They are.

Useful websites that will be valuable in your search for this category are:

• http://lowonganbeasiswa.com/
• http://www.fulbright-egypt.org/
• http://www.chevening.com/

4- Scholarships Offered by Academic Institutions Abroad

Now this category is the most complex, but let me explain it a bit more. Basically there are two aspects to this category:

• Academic schools or departments present scholarships every academic year for their national students as well as overseas students willing to pursue a higher academic degree. It's a part of the school or department's contribution to society.
• Research centers (led by senior professors) have research projects that are funded by their governments. These professors want young researchers to work in these projects; each contributing a part to the total project and in the meantime obtaining his or her degree. Since these projects are funded in advance, the professors can pay for these young researchers to be on the project. Of course this involves getting actual performance and productivity out of the researcher.

What to do: Deciding to go for a scholarship of this kind requires extensive work. First of all, I'd like to refer you to this entry I wrote about establishing correspondence with foreign professors and academic departments. The first four steps will be done anyway (namely: identify countries of strong research status, identify top universities, identify faculties or departments or schools related to your field, and learn about the PhD research program they offer.) Once you've done that, you need to check the universities you chose for scholarship announcements, and make sure you check the PhD scholarships as these universities also offer scholarships for undergraduate students. After you put your hands on the scholarship announcements, you'll find sufficient information about the application process and requirements, just make sure you check what costs the scholarship covers, because some offered scholarships are limited to only tuition fees, after that you have to cover your personal expenses. Not all of them are like this though, so you still have a good chance.

Now if you want to go the other way, which is to search for a research center's scholarship offering, that would be your most flexible option. You can do this either following my guide here to the end, or by again searching the Internet for things like these:

• PhD Student required (needed, wanted, and so on) in "your research area" + "preferably the next academic year"
• PhD studentship + research center + "your research area"
• Research Assistant required (needed, wanted, and so on) in "your research area"

Of course I'm assuming that people reading this know how to manipulate search parameters to find the best results. I use double quotes all the time, but some people prefer a more generalized form.

My personal thoughts on this last method is that it's better and more systematic to search for academic departments and research centers in your research area and check whatever they may be offering. It will save you a long and painful screening process of the search results.

Finally some useful link for this entry in general:

• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scholarship
• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Studentship
• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Research_Assistant
• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teaching_Assistant

I hope this entry would be of use to anyone reading it, and if anything needs more clarification, I'd be happy to respond to the request by e-mail or via comments.

Explaining Scholarships: Part 1

This is the third topic of its kind; previously, I wrote two entries about managing a thesis and establishing contact with a foreign academic institution. This time, I'm going to talk about the complex subject that is SCHOLARSHIPS, and how could anybody get one. A scholarship is an award of access to an institution, or a financial aid award for an individual student scholar, for the purpose of furthering their education. (Definition from Wikipedia.org)

The key to understand this topic is to realize that it has four branches:

1. Egyptian-funded scholarships; or what we call "be3that" or in English "missions". These missions generally involve specific research areas.
2. Governmental scholarships funded by foreign countries; they're typically a part of the cultural and academic collaboration between Egypt and other countries. They are called "mena7" or in English "Scholarships". Like missions, these scholarships involve specific research areas.
3. Scholarships offered by foreign entities to promote higher education in developing countries. These scholarships don't necessarily involve specific research areas.
4. Scholarships offered by academic institutions abroad and announced by a specific research center, academic department, or school, and always are offered for a specific subject area.

I'll explain the first two in this entry then the other two in the next entry.

1- Egyptian-Funded Scholarships

Missions are scholarships that are funded by the Egyptian government in order for researchers to acquire academic degrees in subjects for which the resources are not available locally. Of course, that's a "rosy" theory, because in real life these scholarships can be for any subject the researcher may choose. The Egyptian government specifies a budget for research, a part of this budget is allocated to missions. This part of budget is distributed to the Egyptian universities, and each university in turn distributes its part of the budget to the faculties. I don't know the exact mechanisms for this distribution or how the decision of the allocation is made (is it equal distribution? is it based on the number of TA staff? does it depend on the importance of the faculty in serving community?) But I heard that the process begins with the academic departments; they specify what they need in terms of missions, this goes all the way up until it reaches the university council, then the budget needed is determined and requested.

I don't think young researchers have any say in the matter, they can however pressure the faculty administration for more missions, especially if it's a faculty like ours with a young and promising specialty (i.e. computer science.)

What to do: Keep in contact with the department head and the faculty vice dean for postgraduate affairs. Constant nagging is a magical tool to get what you want from them. Also, you can go to the university's cultural affairs department "Alsho2oon Althaqafeyya" and ask employees about upcoming missions. This will keep you up to date maybe even before the news reach the faculty. Another useful thing is to constantly check the web site of the cultural affairs hosted by the Ministry of Higher Education, in addition to the local newspapers. Announcements for missions can always be found there when such missions are available.

http://www.mohe-casm.edu.eg/

2- Governmental Scholarships Funded by Foreign Countries

These scholarships are announced by academic institutions on their web sites. These institutions send mail announcements to the Egyptian universities and these announcements can always be found at the departments' secretaries. These scholarships have deadlines, meaning that if you have to apply before that deadline. There are three main problems with these scholarships:

• They sometimes come from countries that we don't fancy as research destinations (for example Malaysia or China or Eastern Europe.) That's not always the case though.
• The mail announcements from these institutions sometimes arrive just before their deadline due to poor postal service, this leaves the researcher with a narrow window of opportunity to successfully apply.
• Applying for these scholarships does not guarantee admission, because they're highly competitive. The institutions receive many applications and filter them based on academic merits and specialties.

What to do: Keep in contact with the department secretary, you don't want to miss the deadline of a good scholarship by a day (exactly what used to happen to me!) Also, such announcements are sometimes available through the cultural affairs website: http://www.mohe-casm.edu.eg/ and also the website of the postgraduate affairs of Mansoura University: http://www.mans.edu.eg/arabic/pgs/. When you do get your hands on a good scholarship, pay attention to the details of the application process; you don't want to waste your efforts because you did something wrong.

Revenge vs. Forgiveness

An excerpt from Jane Eyre:

‘Well, then, with Miss Temple you are good?’
‘Yes, in a passive way: I make no effort; I follow as inclination guides me. There is no merit in such goodness.’
‘A great deal: you are good to those who are good to you. It is all I ever desire to be. If people were always kind and obedient to those who are cruel and unjust, the wicked people would have it all their own way: they would never feel afraid, and so they would never alter, but would grow worse and worse. When we are struck at without a reason, we should strike back again very hard; I am sure we should—so hard as to teach the person who struck us never to do it again.’
‘You will change your mind, I hope, when you grow older: as yet you are but a little untaught girl.’
‘But I feel this, Helen; I must dislike those who, whatever I do to please them, persist in disliking me; I must resist those who punish me unjustly. It is as natural as that I should love those who show me affection, or submit to punishment when I feel it is deserved.’
‘Heathens and savage tribes hold that doctrine, but Christians and civilised nations disown it.’
‘How? I don’t understand.’
‘It is not violence that best overcomes hate—nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.’
‘What then?’
‘Read the New Testament, and observe what Christ says, and how He acts; make His word your rule, and His conduct your example.’
‘What does He say?’
‘Love your enemies; bless them that curse you; do good to them that hate you and despitefully use you.’
‘Then I should love Mrs. Reed, which I cannot do; I should bless her son John, which is impossible.’
In her turn, Helen Burns asked me to explain, and I proceeded forthwith to pour out, in my own way, the tale of my sufferings and resentments. Bitter and truculent when excited, I spoke as I felt, without reserve or softening.
Helen heard me patiently to the end: I expected she would then make a remark, but she said nothing.
‘Well,’ I asked impatiently, ‘is not Mrs. Reed a hard-hearted, bad woman?’
‘She has been unkind to you, no doubt; because you see, she dislikes your cast of character, as Miss Scatcherd does mine; but how minutely you remember all she has done and said to you! What a singularly deep impression her injustice seems to have made on your heart! No ill-usage so brands its record on my feelings. Would you not be happier if you tried to forget her severity, together with the passionate emotions it excited? Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs. We are, and must be, one and all, burdened with faults in this world: but the time will soon come when, I trust, we shall put them off in putting off our corruptible bodies; when debasement and sin will fall from us with this cumbrous frame of flesh, and only the spark of the spirit will remain,—the impalpable principle of light and thought, pure as when it left the Creator to inspire the creature: whence it came it will return; perhaps again to be communicated to some being higher than man—perhaps to pass through gradations of glory, from the pale human soul to brighten to the seraph! Surely it will never, on the contrary, be suffered to degenerate from man to fiend? No; I cannot believe that: I hold another creed: which no one ever taught me, and which I seldom mention; but in which I delight, and to which I cling: for it extends hope to all: it makes Eternity a rest—a mighty home, not a terror and an abyss. Besides, with this creed, I can so clearly distinguish between the criminal and his crime; I can so sincerely forgive the first while I abhor the last: with this creed revenge never worries my heart, degradation never too deeply disgusts me, injustice never crushes me too low: I live in calm, looking to the end.’

Excerpt end.

I've read this passage a long time ago, and to explain it briefly it's a dialogue between young Jane Eyre and her school friend Helen; Helen is a forgiving person while Jane is passionate about not forgiving those who've hurt her. Jane believes in fighting back and not surrendering to others' unfair behavior towards oneself.

At first this excerpt irritated me, because I'm someone who has always "nursed animosity and registered wrongs." Some credited this to a trait in my paternal family, but regardless of the source, I always knew this about myself: I never forget anything bad done to me or anyone who did it! I lived with this rule my entire life, and to be able to deal with the world I chose to "overlook" bad deeds done to me and people who did them, and store them in my long-term memory so that I can still interact normally with those people. I never attempted to take action to avenge myself because of two reasons: I don't like to get into feuds, and I believe in relative perspectives. It's the last reason that led me eventually to start toning down this process of "registering" wrongs and looking for execuses for people's behavior. The dialogue, however, still holds noble and angelic views by Helen that are too much for me. I will never treat someone who'd done wrong by me in a good manner, and I won't forgive him or her either. I just chose to be more forgetting and courteous to such people and always try to give them execuses. I would most certainly want others' to do the same for me if I've ever done anything bad to someone.

Yet, the topic of choosing between revenge or forgiveness is more complex than that. I don't believe that people can be either; mainly because revenge requires cool calculation and forgiveness requires a very strong and pure belief in the fact that God is the absolute fair, and a realization that people aren't angels who never do wrong. I believe very few people are capable of either, what I do believe in, however, is that most of us can fluctuate in between the two extremes. I know I'm on the darker segment of the scale, but I don't mind as long as I don't "act" maliciouly against others.

Jane's stand is not that of revenge as much as it's that of "fighting back," so she doesn't believe in giving her enemies the left cheek if they struck the right. Now that I can strongly believe in and hold on too. But there are points in life when those enemies are stronger than us; either physically or authoritatively. Ovbiously such people souldn't be made enemies in the first place, but if they are naturely unjust then they don't require you to do a bad move so that they can hate you and be unfair to you. So there's no easy way to fight back except to be stronger and wait for the proper chance to "get even."

I'm no angel, and one of the very few traits I have that I consider good is my understanding of my failings and my (slow) attempt to fix some or all of them. But I can't simple forgive, maybe when I get older and wiser I'll find it in me to believe that

A heated debate

There's an ongoing heated debate among some of my colleagues (including me of course) about the issue of whether we should dedicate more time to help students at the expense of our own personal gains. Of course, there are two side in this debate (three if we count the "silent" majority who don't care!) One side believes that we must do everything we can to help students, and it's our primary and most important responsibility. The other side of course believes that our most important responsibility is to do our research and get our academic degrees; provided we don't neglect our duties in the classes we're assigned.

Two things to pinpoint here:

1. The first side of the debate is strongly supported by Waleed; one of the very few colleagues that I genuinely respect.
2. No one supports balance. It has to be a total division of time between the two activities; no mutual partnership between both.

Well, for the first point, it's almost only Waleed really who supports total dedication to students' needs. Waleed has sincere integrity, and he practices what he preaches one hundred percent. He's totally devoted to attending to students classes and giving them extra effort; especially in programming. I don't see him doing anything for himself; even if he's developing his programming and scientific skills it's for the greater benefit of those kids at the faculty. Maybe I'm wrong because I don't see him all the time, but when I do see him, it's always like this.

The second point is mainly true because at our faculty we're in a situation where we can't really divide the day or the week. That's because:

• We have limited spaces to give lectures and sections, so we kind of use the entire day,
• We're relatively outnumbered by a large number of courses that most of us aren't specialized in, so we must study in whatever spare time we have to make sense of these new subjects and outsmart the students. There's no easy way for someone to hold on to three or four course every year because we tend to change from year to year; some of us leave, and some of us take time off, and new colleagues are enrolled.

Someone may ask me this: On which front do you fight? Well, I'm all for balance (I never did practice it because of the two points I just stated) but I certainly don't believe (anymore) that I should give my 100% effort to students. I gave more than a 100% effort to the faculty; I spent days and nights thinking and obsessing about all kinds of things related to my work. It was only when I received a request to present a status report about progress in my Master thesis that I stopped and asked: What the hell am I doing? Actually, I'm kind of fond of faculty work; I love studying new courses and helping students understand them. I love administrative work like preparing the academic year's timetable, preparing course specifications, and exams related tasks. I do these things well and that gives me confidence in doing them more. But the bottom line was these things aren't enough to make me advance in my career. They simply don't count! The university won't promote me based on an excellent history of classes and faculty work, the ONLY parameter that's measured is whether I've finished my Master degree (and later of course my PhD). The Egyptian universities law regarding the duties of the teaching assistants states clearly (and ambiguously at the same time!!!) that the first and utmost important job of a TA is to get his or her Master and PhD degrees. Then classes come second with no stress except the stress that they mustn't hinder the TA's efforts to get the academic degrees.

I strongly applaud Waleed for being the most helpful he can be, and I don't dare to put myself in his league of the most helpful people in the faculty. I can acknowledge that I have helped a lot, but not as much as he did. Maybe it's not just because I found out that I have to do another task and do it as well as I can; it could be age as well, but this isn't the point. But still I believe that it IS enough to give my 100% effort in the sections, dedicate 3 or 4 hours each week to help my students (but I strongly stress that they should first be willing to help themselves), but other than that, I have another job to tend to, and it's not less important by all means.

Long story short, I found out the hard way that actually by dedicating my efforts to the day to day tasks of the faculty I was actually not doing my job; my real job; which is RESEARCH. That doesn't mean at all that I support anyone neglecting his or her sections to pursue personal gains of any kind, but we have to put in mind that getting academic degrees isn't just a personal gain, it's also dedicated to the students, and to the country in general. Instead of being "academic policy executors" we get to be "academic policy makers." If we're good enough, then we'll fix the problems that we have today and will create a better tomorrow. There's nothing we can do for today except work hard to help as we can, but we must never forget that we have yet another noble goal to achieve; which is to make a better future and help our country progress.

Wise up

When I first saw the movie Magnolia, I didn't quite get it, but it intrigued me intensely, so I looked it up to understand the undercurrent themes included. It's not my purpose to analyze it here, but the ending song was tremendously touching; it summed up the whole movie, and in a way most of my life, and our life in general. Maybe one day I'll dedicate an entry to analyze the song instead, like we used to do in poetry classes in Libya back in the good days when creativity and innovation mattered. It's "Wise up" by Aimee Mann:

It's not

What you thought

When you first began it

You got

What you want

Now you can hardly stand it though,

By now you know

It's not going to stop

It's not going to stop

It's not going to stop

'Til you wise up

You're sure

There's a cure

And you have finally found it

You think

One drink

Will shrink you 'til you're underground

And living down

But it's not going to stop

It's not going to stop

It's not going to stop

'Til you wise up

Prepare a list of what you need

Before you sign away the deed

'Cause it's not going to stop

It's not going to stop

It's not going to stop

'Til you wise up

No, it's not going to stop

'Til you wise up

No, it's not going to stop

So just...give up

A last comment...

As a final comment on the last conversation, I find this quote to sum up pretty much all I wanted to say (and what I genuinely believe in):

"Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will." Jawaharlal Nehru (1)

You can be dealt a lousy hand, the way you play it will make you at least avoid grand losses (if you're smart enough), and on the other side, you can be dealt a great hand, but because you're stupid enough not to appreciate it, you'll end up losing and making others lose as well.

1. Jawaharlal Nehru was a pivotal figure in the Indian independence movement, and the first Prime Minister of independent India. He was also a key figure in international politics in the post-war period (in which he was considered the leader of third world interests) and patriarch of the Nehru-Gandhi family, one of the most influential forces in Indian politics.

These are very good conversations - 3

This conversation really exhausted me! I yelled, I reasoned, I became really frustrated! I discovered two things that I don't know what to do with, but I'll delay the discoveries till after I lay down the content of the conversation.

Conversation 3:

This conversation was also with a female close friend, and it too involved relationships and marriage (Isn't that the hottest topic among girls!!!) although from an entirely different perspective. This friend of mine has a theory, and I have a theory that's totally different, and we ended up raising our voices in the middle of a diner to prove the other is wrong! My theory is that you choose what happens to you in a relationship because you've chosen the other person in that relationship, and therefore you are responsible for either your happiness or your misery. Well, she believes in a saying that our mothers inflicted upon us: Marriage is a fate, and you can't escape your fate!!! So if a woman is destined to marry a big SOB then no matter how hard she tries she'll end up marrying a big SOB!!! Well no thank you!!! And you can see from the bunch of exclamation marks just how pissed I am with this belief. Why people?!! Why do you want to blame your ill-made choices on fate and God?!! God isn't unjust, and fate isn't blind. I had to convince her with my theory, and in doing so I really discovered my theory and I strongly believe that it has depth (a rare time in which I do believe my thinking isn't that bad!)

My theory is this: God deals us a set of options, so in our quest in life, we're bound to always choose from that pool of options that God gave us. Again, it's a matter of probability laws. In this specific topic, maybe what people say about fate isn't entirely wrong, but it could take a wider outlook. Maybe God gives every man and woman a set of options (women and men) to choose from, and it's up to us to make the choice. So in making the choice, we don't stray from the track drawn to us, but we can still rationalize our choice based on our way of thinking. I mean really, what's the point of believing that marriage is fate?!! If that was the case, then why do we fuss about it that much? Why do we accept or refuse certain people? And why some of us end up happy while the other end up miserable? If that was God's choice for us and we had no say in the matter, then doesn't this lead us to believe that God is unfair? (God forbids any human being believe in this!) No people, God gives you options and you make the choice! It's just like the eternal question asked by Muslims: Are we free choosers or are we driven by destiny? I think the debate is still heating on this matter, but a lot of us have reached the conclusion that if I'm not a free chooser then punishing me for anything is unfair, because this contradicts God's mercy, and contradicts God's orders that we start being held accountable by puberty because before that we can't make reasonable "choices."

So this friend of mine kept insisting that marriage is fate, this reminded me of my mother! She used to say this: Your father did the impossible and I didn't want to marry him, then I accepted, you see? That's fate!!! OMG! She accepted and that's fate!!! And when I argued with her that this was her won free choice and nobody forced her the only thing she had to say was this: May God put in your way a bad path that you'll take by the power of fate! (or something like that!) The exact same sentence this friend of mine said, as if this is the only and sure way to prove me wrong (and punish me for saying otherwise in the process!) My friend took a step further and reminded me of a bad choice I made, and I replied: I NEVER said: Why God did you allow me to make that bad choice? I always said: I was wrong to make that bad choice and it's my own wrongdoing, and I deserve every unhappiness I may suffer because of it. I won't deny that at times I did say: Why God did you deal me that bad choice as one of my options? But I did stop myself because I KNEW that I could've gone the other way. It's my own choice.

I know that God knows our ultimate destination, whether we'll end up being happy or not in each aspect of our lives: Religion, work, marriage, kids, health, and so on. But the bottom line is WE DON'T KNOW! So we have to make decisions, choices, compromises, and sacrifices. It's the nature of these decisions that will guide us to happiness or misery. Didn't the first atheists "koffar" choose to not believe in God? If they didn't choose that, then why are they punished? They did make a choice, as the first believers made the choice to believe in God. The total surrender to God's will doesn't mean that we live life in randomness; it means that we do our best to make good choices and leave it to God to bless these choices or test us with failure. Even then we have a choice to accept failure and try again or to get mad and stop believing.

I hate the word "naseeb", and I hate those who make it an excuse for their own bad choices. No woman walks into a marriage not fully aware of the foes of her husband (and if he took care to hide some or all of his bad traits, then this is a test not fate, and she has a choice to get out or stay in). And since a woman is aware of any bad traits in the man she's about to marry and she still marries him, she has to live with her choice and take it bravely, knowing that it's HER choice. I said before that no one should get into a relationship with the mindset that he or she will change the bad things in the other person, because only one who can change me is me! I can change because I want to be better (or worse for that matter!) and I can change because I want the other people (whom I think highly of) to appreciate, like, or love me more. So a woman who marries a man with bad traits in the hope that she will "change" him is a very conceited woman unless follows the above strategy (and the man isn't very bad or evil!)

Other than my friend's wish for me to get my punishment for not believing in the superior inevitability of fate, I had indeed gained two insights:

1. I'm a bad debater; I tend to get anxious in defending my beliefs and thoughts, I may raise my voice, and I won't budge until I do my own analysis at home in the privacy of my room! She actually said it to my face, and reflecting on this matter I found out that she's right; whenever I'm discussing my point of view against another point of view, I get irritated and defensive, and that's not a basis for a fruitful conversation. So, for anyone reading this entry, I do believe strongly in my own views unless I'm very strongly proven wrong, but I apologize if I ever raised my voice to someone or even talked in a heated way.
2. People won't budge on their beliefs. They'll keep seeing that they're right. I guess this is a part of the "No one can think better than me and no one sees the subject as I see it and my view of it is the most insightful." Or at least that's what I think of myself.

I have tried over the last few years to be milder, more easy-going, and more forgiving, but apparently (according to my friend) I'm failing badly. Maybe it's a Leo trait or something, but I'm still stubborn enough to irritate her to the point of wishing me ill-fate :D

These are very good conversations - 1, 2

In one day, I had three different conversations with three different friends. It's the content of them that made me finally get back to blogging. I was so tired and depressed and didn't find it in me to care enough to write anything that would revive my blog, but here I am; pondering on what these conversations meant to me and to the people I talked with. Well; the first conversation is very very private and I can't really state what was in it, but later that day; when I had the third conversation, I had to reflect on the first one and how I handled it. But reflections come later.

Conversation 2:

Since I can't state the content of the first conversation; I'll move on to the second one; which I had with a female friend. The theme is actually about our expectations of relationships and marriage. How can anyone define someone to be suitable for him or her? What's the degree of difference they should allow between them to keep the relationship or the marriage working? And most importantly; how come that some people who have certain "standards" that we can think of as normal be miserable while some other people who don't give a damn could indeed end up being happy?

I have always had the notion that there are measures for a true man and a true woman, and these measures differ from person to person. There's a minimum set of requirements, then there's a desired set of requirements. So, when someone thinks of initiating a long lasting relationship he or she are supposed to ask themselves: What are these two sets from my point of view? Someone could ask a question; which is why should anyone have two sets in the first place? The minimum is enough for a preliminary selection, and leave the rest to personal impressions. Well; I think that anyone should always stick to his or her minimum set of requirements, and this set should act as a limit that's applied to all people that could be part of the relationship. The second set; however, is the one I'll use to make comparisons and choose who is better than who. There's a principle I don't apply but I strongly believe in: Always wish for the best! Don't settle for the mediocre! And I believe that's what the second set is for; to determine the best.

OK, people will have different minimum requirements; some want financial security, some want intense romance, some want cozy family atmosphere, some want adventure, some love ambition, and the list goes on. Someone who wants financial security will never be happy with someone who's poor or doesn't want to improve his or her financial status. Even if love is there at first; love always fades (I won't say disappear; I'll keep the spirits up!!!) and when the euphoria of love is dispelled; all what's left is the harsh awareness that something is missing; what that person always wanted: money. That would be true for any thing that we as humans want. I for example want someone who's ambitious, so I can't settle for someone with a daily job that doesn't go anywhere! This will kill my spirit! I believe that this what cause most of the problems between married couples; that one of them settled for less than the minimum requirements, and when the moment of truth came (i. e. the love or passion are lost) that person realized what the other is offering isn't near enough for him or her.

So my morale is to never settle for less than the minimum requirements, and preferably go up to the ideal requirements. This is a mental choice that has nothing to do with love or liking or that emotional stuff. Not that these things weigh less or aren't important; of course they are THE major requirement that anyone should have at first. But love is the first step of the stairs. If love is there, then it shouldn't be enough! It should give way to the second step; which is: Does this person that I love has the minimum requirements that I always wanted? Because if he doesn't, then the chances of success are slim! Some people would say that humans are subconsciously programmed to "fall for" those who already have the minimum requirements. Well that's not a common rule for everybody; lots and lots of people have fallen for those who are totally wrong for them. So the presence of love should stop us from having a rational mental look at the other person to evaluate how well he or she fit our own requirements. We should have the wisdom to say no to a relationship that doesn't have this balance between what our hearts feel and what our minds say, or we'll end up being so miserable that life loses any meaning or taste. What love will do for us then is that it will make us more willing to "overlook" things in the other person that don't come up to our ideal standards. Remember; you don't get into a relationship to change the other person to your liking; you change yourself to cope with the other person, and when he or she does the same, you get the real deal! You'll end up changing what you don't like in the other person by changing yourself to appeal more to him or her.

That brings me to those who don't have standards by which they measure people. For God's sake! How could they end up being happy at all!!! That's my dear friends the result of the laws of probability. Imagine that you have a box filled with 2 good tomatoes and 2 bad tomatoes, and one of the good tomatoes is better than the other. Suppose people can't choose more than once. Person A; who has standards, has a 50% chance of choosing a good tomato, while person B; who want the best tomato, has a 25% chance of getting it!!! Now these are bad odds for those who have standards, but unfortunately they can't do without the standards. So the scenarios are endless, and those who don't fuss about requirements may end up living more happily than those who do. But on the other hand, if person B chooses the best tomato, he'll end up being very happy indeed.

This could make me want to think: to hell with standards!!! I'll take my chances without them!!! But as I said before, people who have this mental framework can't do without it. They're not shallow to let chance rule their lives. They want to make rational choices that make them feel good about the way they think. Those who don't have standards will not know a good tomato if it hit them in the face!!! So they won't appreciate it, and that tomato will end up cursing the day it was chosen by such people. Besides, people who don't have standards will either say nothing and eat the tomato whether it was good or bad (good for them!!!) or will always complain whether the tomato was good or bad (unlucky for good tomatoes!!!)

I won't talk about the standards themselves and which are good and which are bad. This is simply meaningless, because standards are formed within us based on past personal experiences that shaped who we are now, and by moral beliefs that we are not welling to let go of. So it doesn't matter if someone wants financial security and I say money don't matter. It matters to him or her, and without it he or she will be miserable. I'm in no position to judge, neither anyone of us.

Bottom line; regardless of the nature of these standards, for the ones of you who do have standards, don't give them away or step down from them! and for the ones who don't have standards, life is too precious to live it by chance alone!