At the very beginning of 2007, I had this feeling it wasn't a good year for me. Actually, I had this documented in a blog entry. Although nothing majorly bad happened to me; on the contrary; I defended my Master thesis and I believe I gained a sense of maturity and serenity in me, but I didn't enjoy the year as much as many of my friends did. Some would say the Master degree is a very good and major achievement, but I big to differ for a very important reason to me: I didn't feel I gave it my 100% effort, I felt obligated to finish, and I don't enjoy working under pressure AT ALL. On the other side, there is something that I had tremendous happiness achieving; that would be my TOEFL score. It's not because I studied 100% for it; you can't study 100% for a language test; vocabulary will always keep "popping up in your face", however; it was a period of study that I enjoyed immensely. I didn't look at it as an obligation; I looked at it as a sweet treat, and that paid off; I scored big time! So I'm considering this to be my only achievement that's worthy of being a source of pride.
I can consider my sense of maturity to be an additional bonus point in my achievements; I'm growing more in control of my temper, more in control of my depression, more in control of my judgment of people, more desiring to have fun in life, and more understanding of the different actions people make. I'm less and less inclined to bad-mouth people, less inclined to ignore the important things that need to be done, and less keen on appearances.
OK; maybe it wasn't that bad a year, but I have to put in mind the fact that all these revelations came very late in the year, so I'm sticking to my guns on this one; 2007 wasn't fun for me. 2008 on the other hand has this aura around it that whispers to me that maybe - just maybe - it can be a good year. It's a funny thing actually because I love the number 7 more and use it more in almost every section that involves random number choices and almost always ignore the number 8. Well, let's hope that this eight is a "magic" eight! Coming to think of it, only the zero and the eight have no end when they're written (something I'll definitely google to find any possible significance for), and guess what, I'll be 30 in 8/2008 (Man! This better mean something or I'm gonna be so frustrated!) Anyway; enough of the superstitions, bottom line is I don't know why this year will be different, but I'm sensing good things coming my way. This is practically the first time I become optimistic and even enthusiastic about something, so let's hope that at least I won't get disappointed this time. I want to go out and celebrate for the first time ever, and I feel the good spirit in me despite a lot of bad things that are happening these days.
Happy New Year everybody, I wish every one gets his or her heart's pleasure.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
The Plan
I talked in a previous blog entry about my uncle Mohamed and how he's a very intelligent and ambitious man. Actually, there are three aspects of his character that fascinate me: his intelligence, his achievements, and the way he's raising his kids. Over the years and after we returned permanently from Libya, I was pretty much occupied during our family gatherings with making myself "noticed." You see; we were always the "distant relatives" who spent their entire lives away from the family. My mother missed the major milestones in her family's history; my grandpa's death, the birth of all of my cousins, and the marriage of her two brothers. So I wanted very much to "fit in" as I always tried when we were in Libya (looks like I'll never fit in anyway in any place!!!)
Anyway, this "fitting in" practice faded throughout the years and was replaced with a keen desire to observe the mechanics of this family; how they talk, how they think, how they love and how they progress in life. I knew it was common knowledge that my uncle Mohamed was extremely smart; he spent his high school years in the "A class" which can be found in most schools in Egypt. He went to study in Cairo ever since and went to the Faculty of Engineering. There he became an electrical engineer, and moved on to work for some high profile companies such as Ezz and Elswedy. What's remarkable about his professional career is that he never settled for mediocre jobs; he had to be on top and advancing, so when things ultimately didn't fit his aims, he went on to build his own company.
The best part that I liked to observe and learn about was his relationship with his kids. I think that from the day they were born he had drawn in his mind a "plan" to raise his kids the right way. He wanted them to have respect of his authority and their mother's authority; the two never to conflict, so I guess they made a purposeful agreement on that plan. His kids must have faith in his opinions, choices, and orders, but at the same time he's encouraging them to build a creative mindset and express their opinions freely and with respect. They must respect his family members and have polite manners without being dull and wallflowers. The most beautiful thing was that he encouraged them to have hobbies; something most parents "kill" in their kids because hobbies take time that should be spent "studying."
He once told me that he used to search the Internet to find ways, games, and quizzes that would enhance his kids' creativity. I was really fascinated by this fact, and even did my own searching out of curiosity. What's beautiful about that is that he didn't take the easy way out; he works so hard to ensure that his company is successful and enough financial security is provided for his family. He could've said: "let their mother take care of all this miss, I already do my job securing their future." No, he doesn't say that, he plays with them, he watches TV with them, he keeps track of their activities, and he keeps "installing" his ideals in them. He once told me with a strange look in his eyes that he fears for his kids; he looks at them and wonders how their future would turn out to be. I wanted to assure him that two things provide him with a good guarantee: the first was that he was there - in every meaning of the word - for them, and the second was that he planted his values with such a smart way that they will follow him with no second thoughts.
You should look at his kids watching him when he talks about something; their eyes full of fascination, adoration and awe at their father, their love and worshiping very obvious to the naked eye, and their "ultimate trust" in him evident in their words. That doesn't stop them from asking questions and raising logical paradoxes that grow in complexity as they grow in age. I like to watch that and how he handles it; with wisdom and admiration of his own at his kids' brilliancy. The beautiful thing is they're not "empty" replicas of him or even of each other; every one has his own distinctive character and their father deals with each one according to that character.
In my previous entry, I talked about my uncle's opinion of his mother and how he saw her as an exemplary mother who missed some things that he needed. That was what he needed I guess; a plan with a target to reach, which is a way to raise your child in mind, soul, and ideals as much as in body and emotions. He devised and understood the plan and had the perseverance to follow it through, I think that he'll enjoy the fruits of his work; much as my grandma enjoys the fruits of hers. I would like to sit with him one day and ask him how he found ways to make his plan work so good.
Anyway, this "fitting in" practice faded throughout the years and was replaced with a keen desire to observe the mechanics of this family; how they talk, how they think, how they love and how they progress in life. I knew it was common knowledge that my uncle Mohamed was extremely smart; he spent his high school years in the "A class" which can be found in most schools in Egypt. He went to study in Cairo ever since and went to the Faculty of Engineering. There he became an electrical engineer, and moved on to work for some high profile companies such as Ezz and Elswedy. What's remarkable about his professional career is that he never settled for mediocre jobs; he had to be on top and advancing, so when things ultimately didn't fit his aims, he went on to build his own company.
The best part that I liked to observe and learn about was his relationship with his kids. I think that from the day they were born he had drawn in his mind a "plan" to raise his kids the right way. He wanted them to have respect of his authority and their mother's authority; the two never to conflict, so I guess they made a purposeful agreement on that plan. His kids must have faith in his opinions, choices, and orders, but at the same time he's encouraging them to build a creative mindset and express their opinions freely and with respect. They must respect his family members and have polite manners without being dull and wallflowers. The most beautiful thing was that he encouraged them to have hobbies; something most parents "kill" in their kids because hobbies take time that should be spent "studying."
He once told me that he used to search the Internet to find ways, games, and quizzes that would enhance his kids' creativity. I was really fascinated by this fact, and even did my own searching out of curiosity. What's beautiful about that is that he didn't take the easy way out; he works so hard to ensure that his company is successful and enough financial security is provided for his family. He could've said: "let their mother take care of all this miss, I already do my job securing their future." No, he doesn't say that, he plays with them, he watches TV with them, he keeps track of their activities, and he keeps "installing" his ideals in them. He once told me with a strange look in his eyes that he fears for his kids; he looks at them and wonders how their future would turn out to be. I wanted to assure him that two things provide him with a good guarantee: the first was that he was there - in every meaning of the word - for them, and the second was that he planted his values with such a smart way that they will follow him with no second thoughts.
You should look at his kids watching him when he talks about something; their eyes full of fascination, adoration and awe at their father, their love and worshiping very obvious to the naked eye, and their "ultimate trust" in him evident in their words. That doesn't stop them from asking questions and raising logical paradoxes that grow in complexity as they grow in age. I like to watch that and how he handles it; with wisdom and admiration of his own at his kids' brilliancy. The beautiful thing is they're not "empty" replicas of him or even of each other; every one has his own distinctive character and their father deals with each one according to that character.
In my previous entry, I talked about my uncle's opinion of his mother and how he saw her as an exemplary mother who missed some things that he needed. That was what he needed I guess; a plan with a target to reach, which is a way to raise your child in mind, soul, and ideals as much as in body and emotions. He devised and understood the plan and had the perseverance to follow it through, I think that he'll enjoy the fruits of his work; much as my grandma enjoys the fruits of hers. I would like to sit with him one day and ask him how he found ways to make his plan work so good.
Monday, December 24, 2007
A Tribute to Sa3deyya Saqr
Over the years, I didn't see the point to my life, I mean I don't know why I do certain things and act in certain ways and make certain choices. I "stumbled" upon my hobbies out of chance, I went to a certain faculty just to spite my dad (may Allah bless his soul), and at this phase of my life I can't figure out what is it that drives me, actually it's absolutely nothing; I do my job because I'm supposed to, I gain social and professional skills because they'll help my job and my relationships with people, not to reach an "ultimate" goal.
How is this related to Sa3deyya Saqr? Well, first I have to introduce her; she's my maternal grandma; she's in her seventies, and she has the most fascinating character I've ever seen! She's an old fashioned woman who believes a woman's "ultimate" goal is to give this world healthy, well-mannered, and successful children. She did just that! She had six children in what we call a "middle-class" family. Life was never easy; on the contrary, some days were very hard financially and socially. She had a rough marriage, but she kept it well preserved. She could not afford to provide her kids with life material luxuries, but she compensated that with a simple loving heart. She was a very neat woman; keeping her house clean and her food sinfully delicious, and she didn't do it in loneliness, she used to gather her children around her in the kitchen and make stuff, and she gave every one of her daughters a hand craft to master so that they can always have something to do. She kept her house in pristine state; you can not find anything out of order, even made a fashionable "dressing" to the old fashioned oven "gas tube" so that you don't have to see its ugliness. She used to make her kids' clothing on the sewing machine. Up til now, she can still reflect "beauty" on anything that "looks" wrong or out of place.
You'd think that I'd say she's a highly cultured woman with sophisticated political and social views! Well, none of that, I once found one of her school books, and what did it contain? brilliant methods to do house work; dress-making, tips, recipes,...etc. I marvelled not only on the fact that she actually "studied" that but also that she kept it for all these years (we're talking about things from the forties and fifties here.) and she always has a solution to any problem within that area; a small problem like aligning winter blankets? she made buttons on one and holes o the other and Voila!! you link the two together and no aligning problem!
Once I had a discussion with my uncle Mohamed; whom I'd like very much to have a blog entry about because he's a very interesting character, but the conversation was about our "mothers"; his mother and his sister. He asked me: "was your mother a good mother?" and he has specific standards to the "yes" answer, I said "No" and we had a mutual understanding that we both meant the same set of standards. I asked then: "Did you?" and he said (and I hope to quote it right): "She was a good mother in the sense that she took good care of her children's physical needs; she provided good food, good clothing as her tight budget allowed, and good shelter. She provided a sanctuary for us. But she was not culturally motivating or highly sophisticated." Maybe the latter meaning was implied in his answer and not stated explicitly, but I understand what he meant; he meant that as an "intillegent" man, he needed more of his parents than that, and I think that "more" should've come from his father except for the fact that they were at odds. Of course by me answering "No" to his question I meant that my mother didn't even provide those basic needs; it was out of her hand to some degree; but a mother is never forgiven for her mishaps! My uncle has a theory that I concluded through observation; which is "Everything you say, do, or make your child do, must be for a higher purpose to be achieved and value to be gained and ingrained in him." Well, my grandma may not be that sophisticated, but she had a wonderful thing to give her kids that sophistication can't provide: a gathering that can be happy in spite of the individuals' problems. The siblings gather in the kitchen with her and remember with a laugh, a sigh, and a joke, how they did in the old days. The kitchen is the sanctuary where all problems fade aways and only the old smells and voices remain in the atmosphere.
This about sums up why I opened my entry the way I did; I want to have that deep and wonderful effect in some people who will carry that effect through the ages. I know that if I'm destined to have kids one day I'll tell them the story of this great and wonderful woman who single-handedly raised six children and made them very successful in their current positions in life, and tried as hard as she could to make their harsh life easier with her warmness. Her presence still provides power to their annual gatherings, even as she grows more and more silent over the years. She enjoys watching them around her, competing to make her life comfortable and enjoyable. Maybe you can't discuss political or cultural matters with her, but you'll sure get a helpful and beautiful hint to make life better and easier and more "beautiful."
How is this related to Sa3deyya Saqr? Well, first I have to introduce her; she's my maternal grandma; she's in her seventies, and she has the most fascinating character I've ever seen! She's an old fashioned woman who believes a woman's "ultimate" goal is to give this world healthy, well-mannered, and successful children. She did just that! She had six children in what we call a "middle-class" family. Life was never easy; on the contrary, some days were very hard financially and socially. She had a rough marriage, but she kept it well preserved. She could not afford to provide her kids with life material luxuries, but she compensated that with a simple loving heart. She was a very neat woman; keeping her house clean and her food sinfully delicious, and she didn't do it in loneliness, she used to gather her children around her in the kitchen and make stuff, and she gave every one of her daughters a hand craft to master so that they can always have something to do. She kept her house in pristine state; you can not find anything out of order, even made a fashionable "dressing" to the old fashioned oven "gas tube" so that you don't have to see its ugliness. She used to make her kids' clothing on the sewing machine. Up til now, she can still reflect "beauty" on anything that "looks" wrong or out of place.
You'd think that I'd say she's a highly cultured woman with sophisticated political and social views! Well, none of that, I once found one of her school books, and what did it contain? brilliant methods to do house work; dress-making, tips, recipes,...etc. I marvelled not only on the fact that she actually "studied" that but also that she kept it for all these years (we're talking about things from the forties and fifties here.) and she always has a solution to any problem within that area; a small problem like aligning winter blankets? she made buttons on one and holes o the other and Voila!! you link the two together and no aligning problem!
Once I had a discussion with my uncle Mohamed; whom I'd like very much to have a blog entry about because he's a very interesting character, but the conversation was about our "mothers"; his mother and his sister. He asked me: "was your mother a good mother?" and he has specific standards to the "yes" answer, I said "No" and we had a mutual understanding that we both meant the same set of standards. I asked then: "Did you?" and he said (and I hope to quote it right): "She was a good mother in the sense that she took good care of her children's physical needs; she provided good food, good clothing as her tight budget allowed, and good shelter. She provided a sanctuary for us. But she was not culturally motivating or highly sophisticated." Maybe the latter meaning was implied in his answer and not stated explicitly, but I understand what he meant; he meant that as an "intillegent" man, he needed more of his parents than that, and I think that "more" should've come from his father except for the fact that they were at odds. Of course by me answering "No" to his question I meant that my mother didn't even provide those basic needs; it was out of her hand to some degree; but a mother is never forgiven for her mishaps! My uncle has a theory that I concluded through observation; which is "Everything you say, do, or make your child do, must be for a higher purpose to be achieved and value to be gained and ingrained in him." Well, my grandma may not be that sophisticated, but she had a wonderful thing to give her kids that sophistication can't provide: a gathering that can be happy in spite of the individuals' problems. The siblings gather in the kitchen with her and remember with a laugh, a sigh, and a joke, how they did in the old days. The kitchen is the sanctuary where all problems fade aways and only the old smells and voices remain in the atmosphere.
This about sums up why I opened my entry the way I did; I want to have that deep and wonderful effect in some people who will carry that effect through the ages. I know that if I'm destined to have kids one day I'll tell them the story of this great and wonderful woman who single-handedly raised six children and made them very successful in their current positions in life, and tried as hard as she could to make their harsh life easier with her warmness. Her presence still provides power to their annual gatherings, even as she grows more and more silent over the years. She enjoys watching them around her, competing to make her life comfortable and enjoyable. Maybe you can't discuss political or cultural matters with her, but you'll sure get a helpful and beautiful hint to make life better and easier and more "beautiful."
Friday, December 21, 2007
"I don’t have the desire to put myself in their shoes"
This quote from a blog entry of a dear friend and colleague; Ghada, is what's been playing in my head for two weeks now needing to come out as a blog of its own. She spelled it out first, and that encouraged me to write. I understand she might be having these feelings about the students due to personal or domestic problems, but I think it's mostly because of two things: the first was that she had to deal with a generation of students that can be irritating because they're more and more "programmed" to have things readily available to them in what I can call "success capsules". That sector won't waste time trying to make an effort or understand; and they were treated in their homes as if these capsules are their "right" in this life so they have to get them as their right in college. The second reason is that we contributed to her negative feelings about the students with our own complaints and negative views of the students and maybe the faculty as a whole. Someone told me once: "Don't let the people outside realize how bad things are inside; you're not only making them see the bad side of your system, you're making them lose faith and trust in the system, including you because you're still a part of it." People "need" to "know" your system is stable or they not only will freak out, but they'll question everything you say or do that involves them and is related to the system. If our negative views are a part of the reason you feel bad about the job Ghada then I'm truly sorry for this.
Now that's only a side note; what I really wanted to talk about is the quote; its meaning and its implications. When I was a student, I only saw my world of lectures, sections, homework, assignments, and projects. I didn't give a damn about "others"; be that my parents or my teachers. I only saw my hardships and problems and I was engrossed in my friends and study. Then I became a TA, and the picture was altered completely! I saw the students as a different and annoying species, except for some of them who really put a smile on my face whenever I see them in a section. At first, you do the job the best way you can, and I wanted -while doing my job- to have every single students understand completely what I'm talking about. I became more and more frustrated as I realized this is not happening no matter how much I try. At the beginning I was frustrated with myself, then as years passed by and the same scenario happened, I began to blame the students; they don't want to understand, they don't want to make an effort, they don't want to evolve and reach higher standards in science and in real life. This is true for some students; but I skipped a very important fact: the normal distribution! There has to be students who do not want to progress, and there has to be students who want to progress for personal gain, and there has to be students who are "geniuses". I came to the conclusion that it's up to us as TAs and lecturers to "widen" the area of the curve that belongs to geniuses, and this only happens when you try to "engage" students that are highly motivated to join the "geniuses club." how to engage this category of students is a matter of finding out how to present an "excellent material" with an "excellent way."
Once I realized that this distribution in itself is not my problem and that "shaping" it is the problem that I need to address, I began to relax a little bit and try to focus on the new mission, I don't have a solution yet, but I'll keep looking and experimenting until I get there. I also began to look at the students with fresh eyes; trying to understand why the different categories would behave in different ways. The important breakthrough I had out of this realization really extended to all the other aspects of my life. I began to see why other people may act in certain ways, and not only that; but I began to imagine how would I've acted had I been in their "shoes." In the past I'd see the bus driver curse at a someone crossing the street and slowing him down and I'd say to myself "how impolite! What's the big deal?!" Now I can understand his frustration. I see my friend complaining about the kids and how hard it is to take care of them and instead of criticizing her for it I begin to see the stress she's under. I look at a student who's coming late half an hour to class and instead of kicking him or her out I say "surely he's detained for reasons beyond his will, and even if he's not, he already missed the important part of the section when I explain what we'll do, so he is a loser anyway."
A human is not born with this realization; he grows into it, and when this realization fully evolves, a lot of good things come with it; compassion, forgiveness, appreciation, and most important of all, peace of mind. You do not obsess about things, you rather "understand" why they are the way they are, and if that way is the "wrong" way, you can find a solution because you "understand" and "sympathize", the solution here is not for a problem; you don't have to deal with it as a problem because it's not your problem, the solution here is rather a "way" to deal with these things that brings you the peace of mind. For example; a student being impolite with me can be because he's raised that way or because he's extremely stressed out because he "has" to succeed because of his ambition or reasons other than his ambition. If I look at him this way, I'll understand that most probably his impoliteness is not directed at me as much as it's directed at my ability to make him move forward or backward. If he's raised to be impolite then me taking action is justifiable. If it's the other reason then instead of aggravating him even more I can assure him and make him lighten a little bit. This way we both win; I win a student who's more positive toward his study and who respects me for understanding his situation, and he wins some peace of mind and a feeling of security because someone does understand and is willing to give him a hand.
I admit that my views of today's students is not optimistic, and I still believe that the portion of them who do not want to make an effort to progress is only increasing, but I can't work putting that perspective in front of my eyes. I have to believe in them, even if they don't believe in themselves. I have to work as if they want to make things better, maybe then they WILL make things better, maybe if they see that you have hopes in them they'll start acting on it in a good way.
As for putting yourself in others shoes, it's a strategy you'll acquire only when you want to, and when you do have it, it will make you friends and allies you never dreamed you could have, and it will make you more loving of the world you're in, even when it's not perfect!
Now that's only a side note; what I really wanted to talk about is the quote; its meaning and its implications. When I was a student, I only saw my world of lectures, sections, homework, assignments, and projects. I didn't give a damn about "others"; be that my parents or my teachers. I only saw my hardships and problems and I was engrossed in my friends and study. Then I became a TA, and the picture was altered completely! I saw the students as a different and annoying species, except for some of them who really put a smile on my face whenever I see them in a section. At first, you do the job the best way you can, and I wanted -while doing my job- to have every single students understand completely what I'm talking about. I became more and more frustrated as I realized this is not happening no matter how much I try. At the beginning I was frustrated with myself, then as years passed by and the same scenario happened, I began to blame the students; they don't want to understand, they don't want to make an effort, they don't want to evolve and reach higher standards in science and in real life. This is true for some students; but I skipped a very important fact: the normal distribution! There has to be students who do not want to progress, and there has to be students who want to progress for personal gain, and there has to be students who are "geniuses". I came to the conclusion that it's up to us as TAs and lecturers to "widen" the area of the curve that belongs to geniuses, and this only happens when you try to "engage" students that are highly motivated to join the "geniuses club." how to engage this category of students is a matter of finding out how to present an "excellent material" with an "excellent way."
Once I realized that this distribution in itself is not my problem and that "shaping" it is the problem that I need to address, I began to relax a little bit and try to focus on the new mission, I don't have a solution yet, but I'll keep looking and experimenting until I get there. I also began to look at the students with fresh eyes; trying to understand why the different categories would behave in different ways. The important breakthrough I had out of this realization really extended to all the other aspects of my life. I began to see why other people may act in certain ways, and not only that; but I began to imagine how would I've acted had I been in their "shoes." In the past I'd see the bus driver curse at a someone crossing the street and slowing him down and I'd say to myself "how impolite! What's the big deal?!" Now I can understand his frustration. I see my friend complaining about the kids and how hard it is to take care of them and instead of criticizing her for it I begin to see the stress she's under. I look at a student who's coming late half an hour to class and instead of kicking him or her out I say "surely he's detained for reasons beyond his will, and even if he's not, he already missed the important part of the section when I explain what we'll do, so he is a loser anyway."
A human is not born with this realization; he grows into it, and when this realization fully evolves, a lot of good things come with it; compassion, forgiveness, appreciation, and most important of all, peace of mind. You do not obsess about things, you rather "understand" why they are the way they are, and if that way is the "wrong" way, you can find a solution because you "understand" and "sympathize", the solution here is not for a problem; you don't have to deal with it as a problem because it's not your problem, the solution here is rather a "way" to deal with these things that brings you the peace of mind. For example; a student being impolite with me can be because he's raised that way or because he's extremely stressed out because he "has" to succeed because of his ambition or reasons other than his ambition. If I look at him this way, I'll understand that most probably his impoliteness is not directed at me as much as it's directed at my ability to make him move forward or backward. If he's raised to be impolite then me taking action is justifiable. If it's the other reason then instead of aggravating him even more I can assure him and make him lighten a little bit. This way we both win; I win a student who's more positive toward his study and who respects me for understanding his situation, and he wins some peace of mind and a feeling of security because someone does understand and is willing to give him a hand.
I admit that my views of today's students is not optimistic, and I still believe that the portion of them who do not want to make an effort to progress is only increasing, but I can't work putting that perspective in front of my eyes. I have to believe in them, even if they don't believe in themselves. I have to work as if they want to make things better, maybe then they WILL make things better, maybe if they see that you have hopes in them they'll start acting on it in a good way.
As for putting yourself in others shoes, it's a strategy you'll acquire only when you want to, and when you do have it, it will make you friends and allies you never dreamed you could have, and it will make you more loving of the world you're in, even when it's not perfect!
Monday, December 17, 2007
I'm Done.....
At last this is the last day of the semester sections, and it was a very hard day. It was very hard for two reasons: the first is that I had to explain to the students a chapter that's heavy with conceptual theories that don't fit in with the common way people think; that is "The basis and dimension of a vector space and the vector spaces of a matrix." The second reason is that I had to do something I really hate in the section; that is stopping the section after a stupid comment made by a student and not finishing the last part. I'll not talk about the first reason because of its abstract nature, but the second reason is what really upset me. I always make excuses for students who are late, who want to freshen up after a previous section, and who are bored because they don't want to attend and are forced to because of the mandatory attendance policy. But the end of the semester is a critical time; professors are finishing up and stressing advanced chapters in the curricula, and students are recapping the previous subjects and raising questions. In general, the stress is escalating in volume. This last section combined all that; a dense and extensive chapter with lots of advanced concepts, and students who want to ask a lot of questions. I have to stress a fact here which is most of the students really don't care, even if they study hard, they don't care about science. The only interest for this majority is to pass the exams and score a high grade. They don't want to open the books and elaborate on their content, they don't want to search the web for additional material that may clarify things a little bit or even give novel ideas to do things. This means that no matter how many times I stress that they have to return to the textbook to find satisfying explanations, they don't listen, they want me to summarize the ideas and present them off-the-shelf for them to use ONLY for the exams. It's a rare sight to me to find a student who's interested in the mechanics of a subject outside the scope of the lecture.
Any way, this is what happened: I'm in the middle of the extensive section, trying my best to help them understand, and as soon as I finish a subject and move to the next, they start complaining and wanting me to stop, I say that this part is the last part of the section so please be patient, and one of the students say: "Heeeeeeeeeey" as in "Hurray". Sometimes the smallest things break you, and this audible "hey" broke me. Here I am, preparing for this section for two weeks now, trying to understand and find a way for them to understand, and this is the last they will see of me, and they need it bad, and all I hear is "hey"! I went blank then, I said in a calm voice: "I want whoever said this "hey" to get out of the section" Nobody moved, I said it again and still nobody moved. At last, I said something I never said before and have no intention to say again: "either this person gets out or I will not finish the last part and you study it on your own!!!!" Everyone freaked and they started objecting, for the first time I stood my grounds and insisted. I waited five minutes and when still nobody got out I took off.
There are two contradicting points I can make here: the first one is that it's completely normal for university students to study on their own and understand things, I did nothing wrong, just what every professor and lecturer can do every once in a while to stimulate the students to establish knowledge for themselves. The second point, though, is that I've been avoiding all my life the notion of being "unjust" to anyone, and I developed a technique of "putting myself in the shoes of others and understanding - rather than judging - their actions, however they may seem stupid, challenging, or irrational". I felt that today I was unjust to the students who wanted to understand, and even to the students who wanted to "pass with a good grade and forget all about it after the exam."
What's done is done, that's right, and I can make some corrective actions to remedy the mishap, but I keep blaming myself for one single fact; I was unjust while all my life I hated the practice of injustice that others do. I hope I learn never to do injustice to anyone for the rest of my life.
The good side of all this hassle is actually two things: that was my last section for the semester, and what happened made most of the students say good things about my section. Appreciation is a wonder drug, really, and I hope it can make me (a) forget about the bad things that happened today, and (b) make me appreciate - rather than fear - the responsibility I hold for my students welfare, even if it's not for the ultimate reason of science and progress.
Any way, this is what happened: I'm in the middle of the extensive section, trying my best to help them understand, and as soon as I finish a subject and move to the next, they start complaining and wanting me to stop, I say that this part is the last part of the section so please be patient, and one of the students say: "Heeeeeeeeeey" as in "Hurray". Sometimes the smallest things break you, and this audible "hey" broke me. Here I am, preparing for this section for two weeks now, trying to understand and find a way for them to understand, and this is the last they will see of me, and they need it bad, and all I hear is "hey"! I went blank then, I said in a calm voice: "I want whoever said this "hey" to get out of the section" Nobody moved, I said it again and still nobody moved. At last, I said something I never said before and have no intention to say again: "either this person gets out or I will not finish the last part and you study it on your own!!!!" Everyone freaked and they started objecting, for the first time I stood my grounds and insisted. I waited five minutes and when still nobody got out I took off.
There are two contradicting points I can make here: the first one is that it's completely normal for university students to study on their own and understand things, I did nothing wrong, just what every professor and lecturer can do every once in a while to stimulate the students to establish knowledge for themselves. The second point, though, is that I've been avoiding all my life the notion of being "unjust" to anyone, and I developed a technique of "putting myself in the shoes of others and understanding - rather than judging - their actions, however they may seem stupid, challenging, or irrational". I felt that today I was unjust to the students who wanted to understand, and even to the students who wanted to "pass with a good grade and forget all about it after the exam."
What's done is done, that's right, and I can make some corrective actions to remedy the mishap, but I keep blaming myself for one single fact; I was unjust while all my life I hated the practice of injustice that others do. I hope I learn never to do injustice to anyone for the rest of my life.
The good side of all this hassle is actually two things: that was my last section for the semester, and what happened made most of the students say good things about my section. Appreciation is a wonder drug, really, and I hope it can make me (a) forget about the bad things that happened today, and (b) make me appreciate - rather than fear - the responsibility I hold for my students welfare, even if it's not for the ultimate reason of science and progress.
A Seminar Gone Awry!
Yesterday, I attended a seminar for an Egyptian professor living and working in America. I should've blogged the event yesterday except for the fact that I got home around 9 and jump started the preparations of the Algebra section of today. Well, to make it short, I didn't attend the whole seminar due to the prior engagement of an "oral" exam I had to attend. What I learned from the seminar is not scientific as much as it is social.
First of all, the professor was late to show up, I think it's his fault, even if it wasn't. if he was available and got detained by formalities such as the head of the department "welcoming" him with tea and coffee, then the professor - being a staff member in the advanced world - should have pointed out the extreme importance of time and respect of appointments. If he himself was delayed, then he should have sent someone to notify the audience that the seminar will be delayed. We sat there, being used to never having anything happen on time (except for taking our attendance in a previous not so pleasant era!!!!) and we could've sat there for all it takes except for the fact I mentioned earlier that we had to conduct an "oral" exam.
The second fact was manifested when the professor began to talk; I know and I've seen many compulsive actions done by many people; including me, that can be words or gestures. He had a gesture that he kept repeating and it reminded me of someone I genuinely loathe; the gesture was him making a short "sometimes totally uncalled for" laugh after nearly every sentence. Oh my God how this irritated me to the extreme! For God's sake, why are you constantly laughing when you're talking science?! I know I'm being completely judgmental here since almost all people have such uncontrolled gestures, but I confess that such little things make me want to cry and hit my head to a wall. I have this notion that when we're young, we're energetic and hyperactive in many ways, and as we grow older and gain more wisdom, we grow to be quieter, more serene, and less inclined to use unnecessary body language. The fact that he "chose" laughing to be his "thing" pissed me off because it doesn't fit well with the seriousness of science. I'm not saying he should be gloomy and not make jokes or be funny, in fact, at some points he made excellent contact with the audience in the "fun" department. I'm just saying that when you're giving a presentation you should plan every word and every gesture and even every joke.
The third fact was his "unreasonable" aggressiveness towards attendants who didn't follow his lead or those who challenged his proposed model. He didn't handle discussions with courtesy, he was even sometimes impolite and embarrassed some of the audience, and sometimes "forced" the participation. I couldn't believe this could come out of someone who's that experienced and who lectured in so many universities. Even if he didn't want to answer a question or didn't "know" how to answer a question, he could've got out without embarrassing himself or the other part asking. Furthermore, if wanted to activate the concept of brainstorming, he should not do it with brute force, and when someone does participate with ideas, he shouldn't take them lightly even if they're wrong, when he takes these ideas lightly or attacks them, no one would want to participate and he'll have to talk to himself.
The forth point was his constant glorification of his experience and knowledge. I'm all for stating one's experience so that people can learn something out of it, but I hate people who talk about their experience and skills as unique and grand things that other people should cherish. I "know" your achievements so don't brag! And if I don't know then maybe I don't want to know! After all, I learned that when you're impressed with someone's talk about himself, this most probably means he "empty" inside. I'm not saying that he does not deserve to be known for his achievements, just please don't state it yourself, others will want to know out of their admiration of what you "say".
I wish I'd attended the whole seminar, maybe then I would've come out with some positive "points"; at least about the man if not about the science he was discussing, but maybe the points already made are good enough pointers for me to learn positive things from, or maybe I'm "programmed" to see the bad side of everything!
First of all, the professor was late to show up, I think it's his fault, even if it wasn't. if he was available and got detained by formalities such as the head of the department "welcoming" him with tea and coffee, then the professor - being a staff member in the advanced world - should have pointed out the extreme importance of time and respect of appointments. If he himself was delayed, then he should have sent someone to notify the audience that the seminar will be delayed. We sat there, being used to never having anything happen on time (except for taking our attendance in a previous not so pleasant era!!!!) and we could've sat there for all it takes except for the fact I mentioned earlier that we had to conduct an "oral" exam.
The second fact was manifested when the professor began to talk; I know and I've seen many compulsive actions done by many people; including me, that can be words or gestures. He had a gesture that he kept repeating and it reminded me of someone I genuinely loathe; the gesture was him making a short "sometimes totally uncalled for" laugh after nearly every sentence. Oh my God how this irritated me to the extreme! For God's sake, why are you constantly laughing when you're talking science?! I know I'm being completely judgmental here since almost all people have such uncontrolled gestures, but I confess that such little things make me want to cry and hit my head to a wall. I have this notion that when we're young, we're energetic and hyperactive in many ways, and as we grow older and gain more wisdom, we grow to be quieter, more serene, and less inclined to use unnecessary body language. The fact that he "chose" laughing to be his "thing" pissed me off because it doesn't fit well with the seriousness of science. I'm not saying he should be gloomy and not make jokes or be funny, in fact, at some points he made excellent contact with the audience in the "fun" department. I'm just saying that when you're giving a presentation you should plan every word and every gesture and even every joke.
The third fact was his "unreasonable" aggressiveness towards attendants who didn't follow his lead or those who challenged his proposed model. He didn't handle discussions with courtesy, he was even sometimes impolite and embarrassed some of the audience, and sometimes "forced" the participation. I couldn't believe this could come out of someone who's that experienced and who lectured in so many universities. Even if he didn't want to answer a question or didn't "know" how to answer a question, he could've got out without embarrassing himself or the other part asking. Furthermore, if wanted to activate the concept of brainstorming, he should not do it with brute force, and when someone does participate with ideas, he shouldn't take them lightly even if they're wrong, when he takes these ideas lightly or attacks them, no one would want to participate and he'll have to talk to himself.
The forth point was his constant glorification of his experience and knowledge. I'm all for stating one's experience so that people can learn something out of it, but I hate people who talk about their experience and skills as unique and grand things that other people should cherish. I "know" your achievements so don't brag! And if I don't know then maybe I don't want to know! After all, I learned that when you're impressed with someone's talk about himself, this most probably means he "empty" inside. I'm not saying that he does not deserve to be known for his achievements, just please don't state it yourself, others will want to know out of their admiration of what you "say".
I wish I'd attended the whole seminar, maybe then I would've come out with some positive "points"; at least about the man if not about the science he was discussing, but maybe the points already made are good enough pointers for me to learn positive things from, or maybe I'm "programmed" to see the bad side of everything!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Baking...
"To dream that you are baking, represents your creative self and you ability to make things out of seemingly nothing." Courtesy of dreammoods.com
I had a dream last night, a real dream not a day dream, I was baking a lot of things; bread, cookies, you name it and I baked it in the dream. I didn't understand my exact mood in the dream, but I was leaning on "not good". And since I'm so intrigued by my dreams I always look for an interpretation, so I searched for the meaning of my dream and the opening quote came up. This actually reminded me of a conversation I had with a dear colleague and friend; Seyam, in which I stated that I am not a creative person; maybe analytical but not creative. I have this idea about myself that I can't "invent" ideas from no where; especially in science. Maybe I can be a bit creative in arts, but I have this strong concept that I can't dare to be inventive as great scientists in mathematics and physics. I'm a "structured" person; meaning I believe in rules and laws and I don't like "out of the box" notions that contradict my common sense and perception. It doesn't mean I don't like creative ideas and concepts, actually I'm intrigued by them and "jealous" of people who can produce them. Well, why am I thinking I have to be a creative and great inventor? Because someone once said that this is what a university professor should be. I don't want to be a mediocre faculty staff who can only manage to scrape little knowledge, I want to be great, and I don't think I have "greatness" in me. Seyam said an interesting comment: "maybe you need someone to tell you you can do great things, and maybe you need to overcome the mental barrier you put in from of your mind that you aren't creative!"
I don't know, maybe it's all a reflection of the whole self-esteem issue, I convinced myself for a long time that I "can't" so now I really can't, and if I change my attitude then maybe then I "can", and this reminds me of another wise quote: "Those who can, do"
Maybe this dream is my inner voice telling me to try and believe in me, especially when I'm this close to travelling abroad to get my PhD people I always considered "geniuses". We'll see if I "can"!!!!
I had a dream last night, a real dream not a day dream, I was baking a lot of things; bread, cookies, you name it and I baked it in the dream. I didn't understand my exact mood in the dream, but I was leaning on "not good". And since I'm so intrigued by my dreams I always look for an interpretation, so I searched for the meaning of my dream and the opening quote came up. This actually reminded me of a conversation I had with a dear colleague and friend; Seyam, in which I stated that I am not a creative person; maybe analytical but not creative. I have this idea about myself that I can't "invent" ideas from no where; especially in science. Maybe I can be a bit creative in arts, but I have this strong concept that I can't dare to be inventive as great scientists in mathematics and physics. I'm a "structured" person; meaning I believe in rules and laws and I don't like "out of the box" notions that contradict my common sense and perception. It doesn't mean I don't like creative ideas and concepts, actually I'm intrigued by them and "jealous" of people who can produce them. Well, why am I thinking I have to be a creative and great inventor? Because someone once said that this is what a university professor should be. I don't want to be a mediocre faculty staff who can only manage to scrape little knowledge, I want to be great, and I don't think I have "greatness" in me. Seyam said an interesting comment: "maybe you need someone to tell you you can do great things, and maybe you need to overcome the mental barrier you put in from of your mind that you aren't creative!"
I don't know, maybe it's all a reflection of the whole self-esteem issue, I convinced myself for a long time that I "can't" so now I really can't, and if I change my attitude then maybe then I "can", and this reminds me of another wise quote: "Those who can, do"
Maybe this dream is my inner voice telling me to try and believe in me, especially when I'm this close to travelling abroad to get my PhD people I always considered "geniuses". We'll see if I "can"!!!!
University Staff Payroll Dilemma
I urge you to read this article about the crisis of the University staff payroll that's currently discussed by Egyptian professors and researchers, I think the link will work fine because it's not from Al-Ahram..
http://www.elfagr.org/TestAjaxNews.aspx?nwsId=7774&secid=2276
I have no comment on the article except that I think the sufferers are a very small section and not the whole sector..that's based on my observation..maybe the picture is more gloomy in Cairo, being the capital and all. As for young researchers and assisting staff (like me and my colleagues) I know the situation is bad, and I don't think I'm a whistleblower if I state that the only way some can make ends meet is via private tutoring. I don't think it's a wrong way in itself, because I know that it's acceptable practice around the world. I think what makes it a frowned-upon activity is two reasons: the first being this idea that we don't want the students to believe that by taking private lessons they can figure out what the exam will be like since the assisting staff will have a clear idea. The second reason is this "stupid" concept that the state employee should not work outside of the government as this will tarnish his "dignified image". I don't understand what's wrong with having a job that helps people improve their life standard. REGULATE, people! Don't prohibit!
I don't know, I never had the urge to work extra hours in other places, but I don't blame people who do that unless the other work affects their performance in their primary job. After all, I have this ideal image about my job not just being about "delivering" information to students, it's more about helping them "formulate" knowledge about the world and about themselves. It's not just the average job, it's a message to be conveyed.
http://www.elfagr.org/TestAjaxNews.aspx?nwsId=7774&secid=2276
I have no comment on the article except that I think the sufferers are a very small section and not the whole sector..that's based on my observation..maybe the picture is more gloomy in Cairo, being the capital and all. As for young researchers and assisting staff (like me and my colleagues) I know the situation is bad, and I don't think I'm a whistleblower if I state that the only way some can make ends meet is via private tutoring. I don't think it's a wrong way in itself, because I know that it's acceptable practice around the world. I think what makes it a frowned-upon activity is two reasons: the first being this idea that we don't want the students to believe that by taking private lessons they can figure out what the exam will be like since the assisting staff will have a clear idea. The second reason is this "stupid" concept that the state employee should not work outside of the government as this will tarnish his "dignified image". I don't understand what's wrong with having a job that helps people improve their life standard. REGULATE, people! Don't prohibit!
I don't know, I never had the urge to work extra hours in other places, but I don't blame people who do that unless the other work affects their performance in their primary job. After all, I have this ideal image about my job not just being about "delivering" information to students, it's more about helping them "formulate" knowledge about the world and about themselves. It's not just the average job, it's a message to be conveyed.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
A Dissection of A Dream
Today I had a short but an insightful discussion with a close friend of mine; Amira, and it was about a dream she had. I won’t talk about the dream itself, but about two concepts that emerged from it. The first concept is that a woman’s beauty comes mainly from her sense of worthiness; her inner belief that she deserves the best and it’s not wrong to have it. It’s true that when a woman “feels” beautiful she has every chance of dazzling the world with her presence, and the contrary applies. When she was telling me the dream, she wasn’t feeling that she didn’t deserve its events; she felt entitled. I, on the other hand, felt that I’d never dare to have the same dream in my own “dreams” because I don’t have as much self worthiness as she does. Although very close people around me told me and keep telling me I have a rare potential to be a special person, I don’t hold the same idea about myself. It’s true that this is sometimes due to a desire to be humble and not give my ego the chance to manifest itself; I’m a LEO after all, and LEOs tend to feel certain greatness about them. But this feeling is mostly due to a deep feeling of being “wrong”, meaning that I always question my judgment, my ideas, and my capabilities. On the rare occasions when I let my trust in me rise, I harvested very good impressions from people, but I don’t let my self-trust shine all the time; maybe because I’m a coward (a colleague told me when I said I’m a coward that I’m totally wrong and she believes I’m much braver than I think I am!).
The second concept is that women choose in their course of life to either marry men who can provide financial security or marry men who provide “emotional” security. At first, we joked about which choice is smarter and that we are stupid or “wesh fa2r” to make the second choice, but when we elaborated on the matter further I found out that when a woman makes the first choice; she chooses to satiate the material needs which will never be satiated. On the other side; when a woman makes the second choice; she chooses to satiate mental and emotional needs, which can be fulfilled even with the least of nice gestures from a man, she chooses to live a happy life, not a lavish life. (Wouldn’t it be great if she can have both?!!)
Of course, a stupid woman can choose a man who has neither, and I don’t see a reason on earth to make a woman do that unless she wants just to get by in life and not live it. I don’t wish this fate to any woman…
The second concept is that women choose in their course of life to either marry men who can provide financial security or marry men who provide “emotional” security. At first, we joked about which choice is smarter and that we are stupid or “wesh fa2r” to make the second choice, but when we elaborated on the matter further I found out that when a woman makes the first choice; she chooses to satiate the material needs which will never be satiated. On the other side; when a woman makes the second choice; she chooses to satiate mental and emotional needs, which can be fulfilled even with the least of nice gestures from a man, she chooses to live a happy life, not a lavish life. (Wouldn’t it be great if she can have both?!!)
Of course, a stupid woman can choose a man who has neither, and I don’t see a reason on earth to make a woman do that unless she wants just to get by in life and not live it. I don’t wish this fate to any woman…
Grissom or Warrick?
I watch CSI on a regular basis, and I love two characters; Grissom and Warrick. The first is the epitome of the objective scientific personality who let’s no prejudice color its judgment of the problem under investigation. He’s cool, observant, really engrossed in science, and although he has a specialized area in which he excels; he’s well acquainted with the general topics of his work. The only thing he’s passionate about is his science. On the other hand, Warrick is a red-blooded man who is masterful of his profession; he’s observant, experienced, self-confident, strong, and passionate. It’s his passion that may sometimes cloud his judgment, and that’s what he tries to learn from his mentor Grissom.
Watching the show, I figured I may be closer in personality to Warrick, but striving to be Grissom. I sometimes question this desire to be so objective, cool, and not prejudiced. I mean is it better to be the perfect scientist and let nothing affect your scientific thinking? Or is it a good thing to have the imperfection of letting passion cause you to make mistakes every once in a while? Each side has its attractions, but each side has its drawbacks. Some may think that if a person is passionate, he won’t be able to cool down and be objective. I argue the contrary, because as time passes, I find myself more and more “cooling down” and less inclined to let my passion rule me. But I don’t know if this is a part of the “growing up” process, a transformation I’m cognitively making inside of me, or an inevitable phase you pass through as you “think” you have more knowledge.
I can’t decide which side to choose, and I’m afraid that by the time I make up my mind, I’ll have committed all the stupid mistakes people do in the name of passion, and I hate mistakes because regret becomes overwhelming.
Watching the show, I figured I may be closer in personality to Warrick, but striving to be Grissom. I sometimes question this desire to be so objective, cool, and not prejudiced. I mean is it better to be the perfect scientist and let nothing affect your scientific thinking? Or is it a good thing to have the imperfection of letting passion cause you to make mistakes every once in a while? Each side has its attractions, but each side has its drawbacks. Some may think that if a person is passionate, he won’t be able to cool down and be objective. I argue the contrary, because as time passes, I find myself more and more “cooling down” and less inclined to let my passion rule me. But I don’t know if this is a part of the “growing up” process, a transformation I’m cognitively making inside of me, or an inevitable phase you pass through as you “think” you have more knowledge.
I can’t decide which side to choose, and I’m afraid that by the time I make up my mind, I’ll have committed all the stupid mistakes people do in the name of passion, and I hate mistakes because regret becomes overwhelming.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Imaginary Breaks...
I'm afraid of heights; well, "afraid" is actually an understatement! Heights terrify me to my core. I can't look from a balcony and not feel anxiety, and when we go on entertainment trips, I can't bring myself to ride any games that depend on heights of any kind. Why should I care about this "phobia"? Everybody has his demons anyway! Well, the reason why I obsess about my phobia that much is that I think it's a mask to a bigger fear deep inside; fear of adventure, fear of experiments, fear of going after what I want, fear of the unknown…I have all these fears, and I let them guide my way of thinking and my actions. A simple thing like riding a big bus makes me hit "imaginary" breaks whenever I think the driver is driving "too" fast for me, or holding to a solid bar whenever I feel him taking a turn "too" fast for me. In the past I didn't care much about this; thinking it's only natural, but lately I developed this idea that I'm a coward because all these things mean that I chicken whenever there is uncertainty or ambiguity in my life. I hate that things can go wrong in my life, and I hate that I may not be able sometimes to have a solution to a situation gone wrong. Maybe that's a part of the reason I don't trust people easily; because it means having to let down the guard of safety I'm carefully surrounding myself with.
Since I know that it's a scientific fact that humans "develop" phobias and are not born with them, I attempted to trace back the psychological reasons for this phobia; just like what any self-respecting psychologist would do. I think I have an idea where all this is coming from. It appears that a combination of minimum exposure to real life together with harsh childhood circumstances made a rich background for this phobia. As a child, I only knew two places of existence; my house and the school. I had no social life of any kind, and growing up in a household where the parents are working fulltime (literally from 7 am to 12 pm) and getting education at schools where you're a total "outsider" helped in ways and damaged in ways. It helped me be self-reliant and goal-oriented (that's the only way you could prove yourself, and you had to prove yourself to avoid verbal abuse and being shunned), but it damaged my sense of security and acceptance beyond repair. I didn't have a solid and dependable base from which I could launch and reach my potential, so I had to stick close to whatever fragile base I had.
After realizing that I gradually made my phobia a way of life rather than a normal human fear, I began to make conscious decisions whenever I catch myself succumbing to the fear. When I'm in the bus, I force my feet to relax and not hit the "imaginary" breaks, I force my hands to let go of the chair or the bar. (I still can't bring myself to ride the rollercoaster and other games in the entertainment parks!!!) and I force myself to face any uncomfortable situations with a calm resolution. However, this can solve some problems, and over time, it made me less intimidated towards unexpected and undesired situations, but the fear is still "there" and probably will never go away. I don't know if at some point it may surface back to control me again, but I made a decision to fight with my mind and trust with my heart as much as I can.
Since I know that it's a scientific fact that humans "develop" phobias and are not born with them, I attempted to trace back the psychological reasons for this phobia; just like what any self-respecting psychologist would do. I think I have an idea where all this is coming from. It appears that a combination of minimum exposure to real life together with harsh childhood circumstances made a rich background for this phobia. As a child, I only knew two places of existence; my house and the school. I had no social life of any kind, and growing up in a household where the parents are working fulltime (literally from 7 am to 12 pm) and getting education at schools where you're a total "outsider" helped in ways and damaged in ways. It helped me be self-reliant and goal-oriented (that's the only way you could prove yourself, and you had to prove yourself to avoid verbal abuse and being shunned), but it damaged my sense of security and acceptance beyond repair. I didn't have a solid and dependable base from which I could launch and reach my potential, so I had to stick close to whatever fragile base I had.
After realizing that I gradually made my phobia a way of life rather than a normal human fear, I began to make conscious decisions whenever I catch myself succumbing to the fear. When I'm in the bus, I force my feet to relax and not hit the "imaginary" breaks, I force my hands to let go of the chair or the bar. (I still can't bring myself to ride the rollercoaster and other games in the entertainment parks!!!) and I force myself to face any uncomfortable situations with a calm resolution. However, this can solve some problems, and over time, it made me less intimidated towards unexpected and undesired situations, but the fear is still "there" and probably will never go away. I don't know if at some point it may surface back to control me again, but I made a decision to fight with my mind and trust with my heart as much as I can.
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