Monday, June 9, 2008

These are very good conversations - 1, 2

In one day, I had three different conversations with three different friends. It's the content of them that made me finally get back to blogging. I was so tired and depressed and didn't find it in me to care enough to write anything that would revive my blog, but here I am; pondering on what these conversations meant to me and to the people I talked with. Well; the first conversation is very very private and I can't really state what was in it, but later that day; when I had the third conversation, I had to reflect on the first one and how I handled it. But reflections come later.

Conversation 2:

Since I can't state the content of the first conversation; I'll move on to the second one; which I had with a female friend. The theme is actually about our expectations of relationships and marriage. How can anyone define someone to be suitable for him or her? What's the degree of difference they should allow between them to keep the relationship or the marriage working? And most importantly; how come that some people who have certain "standards" that we can think of as normal be miserable while some other people who don't give a damn could indeed end up being happy?

I have always had the notion that there are measures for a true man and a true woman, and these measures differ from person to person. There's a minimum set of requirements, then there's a desired set of requirements. So, when someone thinks of initiating a long lasting relationship he or she are supposed to ask themselves: What are these two sets from my point of view? Someone could ask a question; which is why should anyone have two sets in the first place? The minimum is enough for a preliminary selection, and leave the rest to personal impressions. Well; I think that anyone should always stick to his or her minimum set of requirements, and this set should act as a limit that's applied to all people that could be part of the relationship. The second set; however, is the one I'll use to make comparisons and choose who is better than who. There's a principle I don't apply but I strongly believe in: Always wish for the best! Don't settle for the mediocre! And I believe that's what the second set is for; to determine the best.

OK, people will have different minimum requirements; some want financial security, some want intense romance, some want cozy family atmosphere, some want adventure, some love ambition, and the list goes on. Someone who wants financial security will never be happy with someone who's poor or doesn't want to improve his or her financial status. Even if love is there at first; love always fades (I won't say disappear; I'll keep the spirits up!!!) and when the euphoria of love is dispelled; all what's left is the harsh awareness that something is missing; what that person always wanted: money. That would be true for any thing that we as humans want. I for example want someone who's ambitious, so I can't settle for someone with a daily job that doesn't go anywhere! This will kill my spirit! I believe that this what cause most of the problems between married couples; that one of them settled for less than the minimum requirements, and when the moment of truth came (i. e. the love or passion are lost) that person realized what the other is offering isn't near enough for him or her.

So my morale is to never settle for less than the minimum requirements, and preferably go up to the ideal requirements. This is a mental choice that has nothing to do with love or liking or that emotional stuff. Not that these things weigh less or aren't important; of course they are THE major requirement that anyone should have at first. But love is the first step of the stairs. If love is there, then it shouldn't be enough! It should give way to the second step; which is: Does this person that I love has the minimum requirements that I always wanted? Because if he doesn't, then the chances of success are slim! Some people would say that humans are subconsciously programmed to "fall for" those who already have the minimum requirements. Well that's not a common rule for everybody; lots and lots of people have fallen for those who are totally wrong for them. So the presence of love should stop us from having a rational mental look at the other person to evaluate how well he or she fit our own requirements. We should have the wisdom to say no to a relationship that doesn't have this balance between what our hearts feel and what our minds say, or we'll end up being so miserable that life loses any meaning or taste. What love will do for us then is that it will make us more willing to "overlook" things in the other person that don't come up to our ideal standards. Remember; you don't get into a relationship to change the other person to your liking; you change yourself to cope with the other person, and when he or she does the same, you get the real deal! You'll end up changing what you don't like in the other person by changing yourself to appeal more to him or her.

That brings me to those who don't have standards by which they measure people. For God's sake! How could they end up being happy at all!!! That's my dear friends the result of the laws of probability. Imagine that you have a box filled with 2 good tomatoes and 2 bad tomatoes, and one of the good tomatoes is better than the other. Suppose people can't choose more than once. Person A; who has standards, has a 50% chance of choosing a good tomato, while person B; who want the best tomato, has a 25% chance of getting it!!! Now these are bad odds for those who have standards, but unfortunately they can't do without the standards. So the scenarios are endless, and those who don't fuss about requirements may end up living more happily than those who do. But on the other hand, if person B chooses the best tomato, he'll end up being very happy indeed.

This could make me want to think: to hell with standards!!! I'll take my chances without them!!! But as I said before, people who have this mental framework can't do without it. They're not shallow to let chance rule their lives. They want to make rational choices that make them feel good about the way they think. Those who don't have standards will not know a good tomato if it hit them in the face!!! So they won't appreciate it, and that tomato will end up cursing the day it was chosen by such people. Besides, people who don't have standards will either say nothing and eat the tomato whether it was good or bad (good for them!!!) or will always complain whether the tomato was good or bad (unlucky for good tomatoes!!!)

I won't talk about the standards themselves and which are good and which are bad. This is simply meaningless, because standards are formed within us based on past personal experiences that shaped who we are now, and by moral beliefs that we are not welling to let go of. So it doesn't matter if someone wants financial security and I say money don't matter. It matters to him or her, and without it he or she will be miserable. I'm in no position to judge, neither anyone of us.

Bottom line; regardless of the nature of these standards, for the ones of you who do have standards, don't give them away or step down from them! and for the ones who don't have standards, life is too precious to live it by chance alone!

No comments:

Template by:
Free Blog Templates