It's very hard to dig under the surface of your feelings to uncover and understand deeper and possibly both more original and disturbing thoughts and emotions. That's basically what I was thinking about for the last couple of weeks, and I thought maybe if I begin writing it'll all come out into the open. It's all been about what I am truly, what are my traits that make me special in good and bad ways. I never thought of myself as "simpleminded" or purely evil, yet I know for sure that I'm superficial, greedy, and whiny. I trace these facts to my early childhood and know that some of them are the results of my upbringing. I never allowed myself to elaborate on such thinking because I did not want to face my own bad evaluation which should force me to work better on the bad stuff. I don't like it when I have to stop myself from doing something that I "like" just because it's bad or it doesn't fit the common definition of appropriate behavior. But it turns out I allowed myself too much slack that I don't know the good things in me anymore. Well, should I take the risk and begin my self-analysis? Should I take the time to fix the holes in my ship? Or should I just forget all that psychological crap and move on with my life like nothing is wrong?
The answer is probably yes, yes, and no. I hate to know that I have the strength to change, but I do, it's just that I don't want to, and in this I'm like old people who are pretty much settled in their ways and hate change. But I know better that to let my state degenerate to a person who's spiteful, hateful, and whiny, without something good to balance this out.
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