Friday, February 22, 2008


Sometimes I wonder, why am I programmed this way? Does these things deserve all this fuss I'm making? I don't see other people burn themselves up like I do, and I tell myself repeatedly that I shouldn't care, but I find it inevitable to not care. I can see it in their eyes sometimes; that "you're pathetic because you have nothing else on your hands to care about." And it is true, and I don't know whether I'll change if other things exist in my life. All I know is that I can't live like this anymore and at the same time I can't stop caring. Oh, God, what should I do to change myself? I promised myself that I'll do my best to feel better, but all I can feel right now is complete and utter loneliness. How come with so many things to do I get the time to feel like that is beyond me! But I'm so lonely it hurts to walk on the streets alone, it hurts to stare at the monitor with nothing, it hurts to listen to the silence of the phone. I don't want to be strong or autonomous, I don't want to be vulnerable with no one to care to build a fence around it, I don' want to be like I am now, but I can't figure out how to change, or even whether change would be better for me. Maybe I'm the best that can be, maybe I'm the weakest link in my metamorphosis. I have to break free of a pattern I don't want to stick to, but I can't find it in me to "want" to do it; I "can" do it, but it's too much pain, too much independence, too much autonomy, too much work to "not work." I want to open the cocoon but it's too cold outside...

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