A well-planned, well-stated vision

My work place is currently the epitome of chaos! Nothing is going according to a plan, things and people are mixed up, and there's no one who really cares! Why should I care then? I never belonged anyway! Not to Egypt as a country, not to my hometown, and certainly not to my faculty. I used to say to myself that I have a penchant for business venues, and that my love for studying can be always fulfilled by reading and research. Then why the hell should I care if students say they're not given certain classes? Or if the faculty labs are a miss that has to end in sight? I shouldn't care, because I don't belong, and I keep drifting more and more away from the place and the mood. What really troubles me is that I want to be in the place and the mood, and I want everyone to work hard to make the place better, including me. The problem is I don't have the stamina anymore, they don't have the desire anymore, management doesn't have the global vision for the place, and we all don't know what to do with this situation! I want to be proud of the place I learned and worked in, and I don't want the students to graduate saying they didn't learn nothing. The real problem is that even with the staff that's trying to deliver a message, the message is lost to students who don't have a vision of what they should learn here, and how they should learn it. If I can talk about myself; then for example the distributed database systems course is a disaster waiting to happen for them and a picnic for me. They want to learn practical things (at least those who DO WANT TO LEARN!), and DDBS is a course more about design than implementation. But then, both departments are studying it, and designing a DDBMS is more of a CS department arena. IS department should be concerned more about setting policies and strategies for correct system functionality. What should I do? Give them SQL Server 2005 in the lab with no real point to make? Tell them how to make policy decisions? Or tell them how to build a query optimizer? I don't have the grand plan, and even if I have it I don't have the power to carry it out.
I spent 3 hours last nights rolling the subject in my head over and over, knowing that my colleagues - if they know what I was doing - would joke at how stupid I am and how my life is empty, but all I really want is to work according to a well-planned, well-stated vision. I don't want to make the plan at this stage of my career because of two reasons; the first being that I too have a life and a research of my own to work on, and the second being that the stage where I'm obliged to make that plan will eventually come, and I want to learn from someone how to do it!

Pool of sand

This week and the past week, I finally got myself to begin reading and analyzing scientific papers related to my area of research. I felt completely overwhelmed by the fact that although the broad outlines are determined, finer details are still missing in my head. Unfortunately, I can't count on anyone else but me to define these details, and I feel as if I'm drowning in a pool of sand. Actually I'm drowning in two pools of sand! One whose sand is the still ambiguous research subject, the other being the compound circle I placed myself into by obliging to whatever administrative tasks the faculty assigned to me for over 6 years now together with making it a challenge to take a completely novel course every semester that I didn't give before! The only benefit I have is that I'm aware now that the pool(s) are polling me down, so I must fight to grab whatever is it that's out there to stop from drowning. The only "branch" I have available is my previous "painful more than pleasurable" experience during my Master thesis. I know what I should do, and I know that I have to do it fast. Of course this is not the place to lay out my plan in detail, it's just that when I talked to Osama, my friend and colleague; who's currently in Japan, I felt that I'm playing games here. I have to be more realistic and punctual and stop giving too much effort to trivia that's not helping me progress through my career. Not that I won't work my best to give the students what they deserve, it's just that I won't waste no more time challenging myself in novel course or doing administrative work that should be done by other faculty personnel. The days of giving without getting back are over! I need to focus a little bit on ME! Both on a personal and professional level. I need to hold on to the branch and swim back from the pool, but I hope that good luck gets by my side for once and when I get out I find myself not in the dessert without water, and better, I wish I find myself in a much more beautiful place.

Class Discussion

In the class of this week (I have only one course; distributed database systems; to teach this semester and over two days I give 7 classes,) we had a discussion about whether or not database systems are turning to be obsolete. I told them it's a possibility and the debate is considerable about this issue, they asked me then what technology is competing, and I said technologies like data warehouses and data marts are examples (most of them don't hear about data warehousing until after graduation.) Then they asked the obvious question any self respecting Egyptian student would ask :D, which is why are they studying databases and distributed database systems if they are obsolete. I said they're not obsolete, but new technologies are always trying to find a solid market share for themselves to justify their costs. An example I gave was Cobol; which is still deployed in some big corporations and organizations despite database systems being the norm of the era. Then we asked ourselves; why do such big organizations keep old fashioned technology. The lengthy discussions lead to us making the conclusions that there are three reasons why:

• Whenever an organization is thinking of deploying Hi Tech for the first time, it goes without saying that they will pick the most up-to-date technology there is. This means that the chosen technology is highly expensive because it's cutting-edge. The investment in this technology becomes a part of the organizations assets.
• Migration from "supposedly" obsolete technology to more top notch technology may result -in addition to and extensive transition time- in possible loss of data that's very valuable to the organization.
• Most people don't like change! It's a miracle people accept Hi Tech solutions as it is, but to force them to adapt to the very quick pace of technological advances is beyond reasonable! After all, old habits die hard. I'm who should be quick to adapt because I was born and educated in the Hi Tech era still find it very hard to change my home page from Yahoo! To anything else, even if it was more informational!!

The importance of the discussion was not due to us making any breakthroughs or novel discoveries; I'm pretty sure more sophisticated outlines of the situation are already established in business and systems sciences. What made me write this entry was that I really was content to push them for once to discuss things despite the fact that they were aware what I'm saying is:

• Out of the main point of the class.
• May not be included in the final exam!!

Not that I don't trust students to be interested in anything rather than making the grade, but I know from experience that they don't get excited about things easily. There is no wonder in their minds about science and how and why things are what they are. To feel that we make the closest thing to a seminar in an undergraduate class made me feel good about my decision to choose a course that I can provide ideas about on the fly without having to go to the books to know the answers. That's a real pleasure, even when I'm pretty sure than practical-wise, they're most probably (or at least a subset of them) better than me.

Another day

It's been a very trying day at work today; Sunday is a day in the week in which I have work from 8 to 12, then a break, then some more work from 4 to 8. I can't blame anyone for this; I did it to myself as I was the one who set the timetable. Actually, the only three problems I have with such a day are:

• I repeat the same things four times!
• My back hurts by 6 o'clock!
• I have four hours of spare time that I either spend alone or with colleagues; not that spending time with my colleagues is that bad; but I'd rather stay alone than keep talking and most likely say all the wrong things, despite the fact that I'm constantly training myself to talk less. Another fact is that they're all younger than me; sometimes much younger, and I don't find that situation gratifying at times (because they make me feel soooo old :D)

As for today in special, I had fun because the section was about the twelve principles of distributed database systems. I found myself to be fluent although I didn't read the chapter, I found myself engaging my students in problems and ways to overcome them, and I found myself to not be that cynical anymore. It's true I said things that should put me in the blacklist (as if I was ever on any other list!!!), but overall I talked in favour of hard work always paying in the end (at least I hope it does!)

At the end of the day, I met a former student of mine; Nehal; who was the first caller in Calls, and I had fun talking with her n our way home. She asked me at some point: "Why didn't you try to pursue a career in another venue besides academics?" and it didn't take me much time to come up with the answer; I love studying, and I love understanding things and making people understand or at least willing to understand. Although it would be nice to engage myself in some practical venues just to keep in touch. But my greatest passion is to read anything and everything that manages to be interesting to me. That's the point me and Ahmed Elsumm were making at one of our conversations; that what keeps you going and excelling at your job is for you to be passionate about it.

I'm falling asleep now as I'm talking, so until next time.

I still don't know what was the point!

Prologue (Not the logic programming language :D)

I was notified by Mrs. Azza; the secretary of the faculty deputy for students affairs; that I'm a part of a team that is formed every year to go to a village and raise young people's awareness of computers and their uses in our lives. I was told the trip should take place at the 2nd of February, then after the day passed she told me it was rescheduled at February the 16th. After that date passed as well she told me it was February the 20th. Luckily it was true this time. Here is my account for the events of the day.

Wednesday, February the 20th

• 7:40, I arrived at the faculty building, no one was there yet, I drank Nescafe and hanged out on the front "yard", waiting for somebody to show up.
• 8:20, Mrs. Azza arrived; she told me how things should go: "They know you're coming, and they are prepared, you'll make small presentations about computing and its importance in our lives, then you'll please write a report about the day and present it to me." I asked where everybody else is and she said they're coming.
• 8:30, people started coming; Ahmed Elkhateeb, Ehab, and Sameh. Later on, Amira, Abd ElAzeez, and Islam came.
• 9:00, after everybody who was supposed to come was here, we were told that the microbus which was supposed to pick us up was not allowed to enter campus, so we had to be "shipped" three by three in a private car to where the microbus waited outside.
• About 9:30 or even after, we began moving towards our destination; a small village called "Demellash" near Belqas. We were told the distance took 30 minutes by the car. As soon as 15 minutes passed, Ahmed got a call; the summary of which was that we had to go back to the campus to pick up a team from the university media center!!!!!!!
• Around 10:00, we arrived at the campus, waited for around 30 minutes for the "media team" to assemble and come with us. The microbus got crowded with 4 or 5 of that team. Now we're around 13!!!!!
• Around 10:30, we began moving again, arriving at the entry point of the village after about 45 minutes. The village roads were extremely muddy because of the rain, and at one point the car was close to turning up side down because it couldn't get past a road bump that oversaw a deep hole in the ground (I'm dramatizing the whole incident to justify our entitlement to a compensation for work hazards!!)
• Around 11:30, we finally arrived at our destination; the youth center for the village. The youth center was closed, the school located just beside it was almost empty I think. We stood there, like tourists in wonderland, and we kept making jokes about the situation. A couple of big guys were standing nearby; probably smoking Bango or something. Our guide; a native from the village, kept wandering around the nearby houses looking for someone who knows the principals of the youth center. Suddenly, the guys who were standing near us began to run in a rush, and we were caught off guard, then we knew why. A police officer showed up, asked the guide about our mission, and said he was sent by the governorate to keep us safe ( بيأمّن المنطقة:D) and I thought in my mind "How come we could be in danger here? It's a village whose residents should be the epitome of Egyptian hospitality, not hostility!!" but apparently I was wrong somehow.
• Around 11:45, the principals in the nearby school "received" us. We entered the headmaster's room and were offered tea. I kept looking around, hundreds of impressions coming to my mind. How come some people here are willing to get an education in this isolated place? Why? People here are not forgotten, they get periodical instructions and inspections from the regional educational board. So the ministry knows they exist, but the school conditions makes you want to cry out loud. Anyway, we were finally shipped 15 minutes later to the youth center after they got someone to open it for us. We sat in a gloomy room, waiting for someone to tell us why the hell are we here if no one knows we're coming and no one cares!!!
• Around 12:00, we were shipped again to the "library" room in the youth center. The place they call the library has a 50 years old TV, some thin meaningless books that are probably left-outs from people who don't want them anymore, and a couple of tables. It was a bit cozy though. A woman (presumably the library employee or something) arrived and kept asking us: "Are you a medical mission?" We said no, and wondered why did they get the impression we were doctors, and then we concluded that since some people referred to us as doctors (being seeds of faculty doctors and all!!!) the people of the village assumed we were medical doctors :D. That would have made much more sense to them since they could use our services. But academic doctors?!! What good are we for?!! Anyway, we explained to the lady why we are here, and she was pursing her lips in contempt. "Why didn't anyone tell us you were coming?" she said. I concluded that she was at home; safely cooking or doing whatever housework, and they grabbed her to come see what's going on. She's supposed to be an employee who works at the center everyday and should be there everyday. But since people here don't give a damn about culture she can stay home and officially she's at work or something.
• Around 1:00, they collected some of the school students to come and sit in the library to watch us explain to them how computers are good for them. We agreed that Ahmed would make the presentation, he did, and students knew almost every thing he was talking about!!! I couldn't stop smiling as I kept listening to the students repeat in one voice after Ahmed whatever he said. It reminded me of my school days. I remembered how enthusiastic I used to feel about things, about knowing stuff and acquiring new information. I said to myself "These young students are not getting the most prestigious education, but some of them sure want to learn and love to learn. And they're getting their education in the middle of no where; they walk through the mud to their school, and their parents struggle to provide them with the necessary stationary although they're probably poor, that sure accounts to something deeply meaningful to them; even if they don't realize it yet." I remember how I felt when I was young; how the education atmosphere provided me with a sense of warmth and security, and also with a sense of responsibility. I wish these little boys and girls are feeling the same way, or at least a portion of them.
• We wrapped it up at around 1:30, and after the team of the "university media center" made some "trivial" meetings with some students and teachers, we collected our things and prepared to leave. The same excruciating trip to head out of the village was made, and for the second time we were almost killed :D. We finally made it to the city, thanking Allah that we didn't have to go through this trip on a daily basis. But I kept wondering about university students who lived in that village, how do they make it to the city everyday? I don't have a clue.

Epilogue

I have wasted around five hours of my time (from 7:40 to 1:00, I excluded the time that was actually used for the presentation and the trip back to the city) for no apparent reason. I didn't raise any awareness, I wanted to talk to the children but the media center people with us who didn't care and wanted to go home would have killed me if I made them stay any longer. They have a point though; there was no planning or anything, and it was a very stupid charade that was conducted for the benefit of the university image as an institute that contributes to the community. I'm sorry to say this, but I know the report about the trip will come up to be an "excellent" account of the "awareness" we developed in these young helpless kids. This is not how things should be! It should not be about an image, it should be about a real and tangible benefit! And what the hell do these people need with a youth center?!!!!! The "expenses" that go to principals in that youth center should go to the school to make better conditions for real education. When that's settled, we can think of recreational activities for people who can hardly afford for the basic needs in life, let alone go play some ping pong and "read" books beyond their needs!

On the good side, I had some good laughs, it's an irony that I could laugh in such a sarcastic situation, but I did and so did my colleagues.

Calls

Amidst all the mayhem I was in for the last couple of weeks, three phone calls made me reach a state of calmness and optimism and yes, personal gratification. The first call was a number of days ago, it was from one of my former students; now a graduate studying at ITI-Mansoura, she just called me to check on me and say Hi, just that, nothing wanted. To tell the truth I was kind of waiting through the call for the "purpose", and I was so amazed and mesmerised when we hung up that there was no purpose. It was a small gesture in a long and hard day, but it worked wonders to me, I felt that no matter how little I feel about myself or about my contributions in this life, some people think of them as big, so big, that they surpass the limits of expiration date (by expiration date I mean graduation)

The second call was yesterday, it was from Waleed, my colleague and one of the very few people that I genuinely respect and think highly of (it's a very short list I have.) He also just called to check on me, but Waleed never called me for a personal purpose, he rather calls me for a greater benefit, but nonetheless I was surprised that he called just to check on me, my guess was that he somehow found out about what happened yesterday and wanted to give me support, or maybe he was worried I didn't attend one of our colleagues wedding that I would naturally go to. Anyway, he made me feel ten times better, with his calmness and acceptance of life's bumps with a sure heart that Good will prevail and it's up to us to make it happen. I feel so small and silly when I compare my reactions to his in the face of hardships. I wish that one day I could give him and everyone I love and respect that sense of hope and purity he provided for me.

The third call was also yesterday, it was from Haitham, my dear friend and colleague, he saw me earlier in the day just as I was leaving the faculty, and he did something very sensitive; he let go just when he knew I was close to tears, so that he and his friend won't witness a breakdown of someone they consider a "mentor." Somehow I knew he wouldn't leave to that, he didn't, and he called me to know what happened. Haitham won't provide a sense of calmness and acceptance as Waleed would, because they're two different personalities. Haitham personality is more passionate and impulsive - just like mine back when I didn't tone it down - and his view was that everything in the work place can go to hell, nothing deserves to get us all wrapped up, upset, and worried. He's right, I shouldn't get upset about people who do not deserve the time, I only worry about a faculty that's heading down. I know Haitham to be someone who deep down wants the best for his workplace and its people, but he get irritated by the sense of injustice and the apparent lack of hope for the place that he forces himself to not give a damn.

Thank you people for making this day bearable and making me forget all about it, let's focus on bringing Good to the table, instead of backing out.

Desperado, the most beautiful song by The Eagles

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses,
You've been out ridin fences for so long now,
Oh and you're a hard one, but I know that you've got your reasons,
The things that are pleasin' you can hurt you somehow.

Don't you draw the Queen of Diamonds boy, she'll beat you if she's able.
You know the Queen of Hearts is always your best bet.
Now it seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table,
But you only want the ones you can't get.

Desperado, you ain't gettin no younger,
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin you home,
And freedom, oh freedom, well that's just some people talkin.
Your prison is walking through this world all alone.

Don't your feet get cold in the wintertime,
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine,
It's hard to tell the nighttime from the day.
And you're losin all your highs and lows,
Ain't it funny how the feelin goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses,
Come down from your fences- open the gates.
It may be rainin, but there's a rainbow above you.
You'd better let somebody love you,
LET SOMEBODY LOVE YOU.
You'd better let somebody love you,
Before it's too late.

Breakthrough

Sometimes I wonder, why am I programmed this way? Does these things deserve all this fuss I'm making? I don't see other people burn themselves up like I do, and I tell myself repeatedly that I shouldn't care, but I find it inevitable to not care. I can see it in their eyes sometimes; that "you're pathetic because you have nothing else on your hands to care about." And it is true, and I don't know whether I'll change if other things exist in my life. All I know is that I can't live like this anymore and at the same time I can't stop caring. Oh, God, what should I do to change myself? I promised myself that I'll do my best to feel better, but all I can feel right now is complete and utter loneliness. How come with so many things to do I get the time to feel like that is beyond me! But I'm so lonely it hurts to walk on the streets alone, it hurts to stare at the monitor with nothing, it hurts to listen to the silence of the phone. I don't want to be strong or autonomous, I don't want to be vulnerable with no one to care to build a fence around it, I don' want to be like I am now, but I can't figure out how to change, or even whether change would be better for me. Maybe I'm the best that can be, maybe I'm the weakest link in my metamorphosis. I have to break free of a pattern I don't want to stick to, but I can't find it in me to "want" to do it; I "can" do it, but it's too much pain, too much independence, too much autonomy, too much work to "not work." I want to open the cocoon but it's too cold outside...

One of those days...

Today was one of those days when bad things just kept coming on top of bad things, I was literally choked to tears every time I look around, and thank God I developed a kind of resilience that allows me to swallow the tears and the humiliation until I'm alone and far enough not to be heard. I'm the strong one, the support for the group, the one who provides hope and advice, and hard worker. But all that seems so futile after all this time, I was yelled at by almost everyone in the staff today, for different reasons and the reasons are all supposed to be my fault. I almost yelled back, I almost cracked, but no, I wouldn't give them the pleasure of knowing they can get to me, or of saying that a woman is weak and vulnerable and so close to tears at the slightest "rough" contact. Those big men - both in age and in position - are not worthy of me worrying about their problems, and quite frankly, they can shove all their problems and harsh words up their……

The Eighth

I never considered eight to be a holy number; three and seven surely, but not eight, and since I began to have this hunch that the year 2008 could be a good year; THE year, I made the fun game of searching for the meaning of the number eight, and here is what I found (Courtesy to http://www.wikipedia.com/):

• A fallen or lying down 8 (∞, the lemniscate) is used to represent infinity in mathematics. This interpretation of 8 may be related to the representation of the caduceus (where two snakes form several figure eights) as stability or balance of opposing forces.
• In Islam, It is the number of Angels carrying The Holy Throne of Allah in heavens.
• In tarot, card No. 8 is "Strength"
• Eight is considered a lucky number in Chinese culture because it sounds like the word "prosper" or "wealth"
• In numerology, 8 is the number of building, and in some theories, also the number of destruction. Eight signifies Power/Sacrifice.
• In astrology, Eight is ruled by the planet Saturn. It is a solid and very stable number that has many limitations that must be transcended. Those individuals who have this number prominent in their life usually must learn by experience. They quite often have many harsh lessons to learn, which are quite often the result of a karmic debt they must repay before they can progress unto their next level of spiritual evolution.

Happy New Year 2008, I wish August is twice as good as this year is promising to be.